Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My Depression (part 1)

Brace yourself, this may be a ramble.

Don't say I didn't warn you.  I won't take credit or blame for your face hitting your keyboard from falling asleep.

Ok so I have so many things going on.  Yet nothing is getting accomplished.  Some of you may know about me personally, some of you may not.  I suffer from depression.  I have a tendency to look like I have things together, look like I have the answers, but in reality I do not.  I am a mess.

I guess I probably get this from my Father.  For years I thought he had it all together.  Thought he planned things, organized things, thought everything was done to the T.  Ya not so much.  I learned in the last few years that he is a huge procrastinator.  I knew he suffered from depression, that he was bipolar and was a recovering alcoholic.  But I didn't know to the degree that he didn't get stuff done.  I learned that if it wasn't for his wife pushing him in the right ways to get things done, then they just might never have.

I never noticed it all.  I mean, sure the garage looked like a bomb went off in it, no matter how many times he "cleaned" it.  Sure his closet was a disaster area...but I just thought we had a lot of junk growing up.  We did, but it could have been organized in a much cleaner way.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my Father dearly, much more than he may ever know, but I was oblivious to it all.  That was until it was explained to me and when I saw those same tendencies in myself.

God says that a good wife keeps up the home, takes care of herself, is a amazing cook, etc.  I have failed tremendously in all those areas.  It is quite sad to be honest.

My house is a wreck, serious wreck.  I rarely get enough "good" sleep, so I try to catch up....well I am now coming to terms with it actually being my depression.  It is making my life a hell.  Just today my brother-in-law came over and helped Chris clean the back patio.  It was filthy.  I felt so bad about it that I hid in my room. I hid in my own house.  How sad is that?

I take care of Chris solely on my own.  He is like having a 5 year-old most days.  And I never get a break.  Even when I am at work I have to wonder if he is breaking something, burning up the place, locking himself out of the house, falling, and a plethora of other things.  When I am home I am constantly on edge waiting for him to do something.  I have tried going behind him and cleaning as the mess occurs but after awhile I just got tired of it all.  I got tired, sick and tired.  And now I just lay in bed.  And I call down to make sure he is ok.  He will answer me yes or no, and if its a no....then I will go help.

I haven't cooked in months...if even maybe a year.  Its microwave meals or fast food.  And even in some cases just not even bothering to eat at all.  I haven't lost a single pound from not eating, funny as that is.  But Chris has.  A mixture of his not wanting to eat and my not wanting to cook has left him looking like skin and bones.

I have about a million things I am "supposed" to do.....and not one of them ever gets done.

stay tuned for part 2

2 comments:

Sara said...

Some day I will have to tell you all about how my depression has affected my family. Just want you to know that you are not alone. ((hugs)) Oh, and I inherited my depression from my father as well.

kevin21 said...

2012 Nfl Wholesale Jerseys, the accumulation has invested 120,000,000 Yuan to complete has 423 modernized garden type villa Kang Bo the park, becomes the socialism new rural reconstruction the model. The company in the honored charity, science and technology education Wen Wei, held the danger to rescue sleepy Nfl 2012 Jerseys and aspects and so on public welfare environmental protection invested the massive funds Nfl Jerseys Wholesale, in 2008 the snow disaster, 5.12 Wenchuan earthquake, the eucalyptus earthquake and so on the thunderbolt was donates enthusiastically, for many years has accumulated to the society donates surpasses www.nflwholesalejerseys.net Yuan, is awarded the charitable soliciting donations work advanced group, the compassion charitable prize, the Chinese Charitable Outstanding contributions Unit successively (enterprise) titles and so on prize Nfl Wholesale Jerseys.