A reminder of my brother...

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6


For some reason today when I saw this scripture I thought of my brother Tom.  He is overseas, serving his last deployment.  He is awaiting his departure from the Marine Corp.  And we are waiting for him here at home.

I posted it on his facebook page, hoping it speaks to him as it did me.  He isn't a religious person.  And I am not even sure he believes in God.  But I posted it anyways...

I hope it touches his heart.... 

My Depression (Part 2)

Things that I should get done have become much more than even a chore. It almost pains me to get up and get my day started. I have to put on a happy face and face the world. All the while I just would rather go back to bed.

I am much more comfortable here in bed, online, talking to people behind the comforts of a computer screen. It is safer. And it sure doesn't require a smile.

I was doing pretty well at hiding the pain, hiding the feeling of hopelessness. But then just last week a friend said this to me in a email;

"You looks so sad lately"

That is all it said. Nothing more. And I cried. I cried because the jig was up. I was had. I hadn't hid it very well, had I? How was he able to see it? And so I asked him. He said he just knew. He knew me well enough to know when I was happy and when I wasn't.

In most cases I would just laugh this off via email, make it sound like he was losing his own mind. But for some reason I just couldn't lie to this friend. He is a very good friend who has listened to me and provided some good recommendations at times. He is a big reason why I am going back to school. He told me I was smart enough to do anything I wanted to do and more. So lying to him seemed quite silly. I sighed and told him he was right, that I wasn't all put together and was a mess. And that I was back on my medications. All 3 of them to be precise. He "listened" via email, and emailed me back words of encouragement and told me that if I ever needed to talk, he was there to listen. He really is a very good friend. The kind that gives you a laugh when you need it, growls with you when your angry and scolds you when you need a good scolding.

So this past week I have reflected since that email. Wondering what part of me was shown to him. It had to be a part that wanted and needed help. Someone seeing my unhappiness had to be God's way of saying "hey you, come on pick yourself up and we will get you through this."

I have thought about what I want to do. Do I want to lay here in self pity? Do I want to be happy? I want nothing more than to be happy. To feel some joy again. Because right now I feel at the bottom. I don't even really remember what happy feels like. And that is sad to me. Just plain sad.

stay tuned for part 3

The appetite of the lazy craves and gets nothing, while the appetite of the diligent is richly supplied. Proverbs 13:4

I have been lazy.  I admit it wholeheartedly.  And I have been suffering from it.  Just read my latest blog about my depression.  It's been eating me up inside everyday.

I decided I was going to blog today about an accomplishment I had yesterday.  It was a horrible day, filled with many tears.  But I had one good thing come of it and I came here to blog about it.  I try to remember to add scripture to my blogs when it is extremely relevant to me at that particular time, particular blog, etc.  So I set out to find a perfect scripture that captured exactly what I was thinking.

And I found the above scripture, and it spoke volumes to me.  Just when I become a little complacent and feel that I am just right with what God is saying to me, he goes and pulls the wool over my eyes and shocks me a bit.  He helps me remember that I should go to him for the answers.

See I came here today to tell you that even though it was a horrible day I accomplished cleaning my downstairs tile floor.  Except for a little portion by the front door and under the kitchen table it looks spectacular.  Amazing honestly.

And I even cooked a meal that was sooo yummy.

So I looked for a scripture about rejoicing, keeping up the home.  And I found this one. 

Now what did it mean to me?  Well it reminded me that my being lazy is just making things worse.  Especially when it comes to my depression.  I need to get up and face the day.  I need to tackle challenges.  Even if I only do one little thing a day, its an accomplishment. And God will provide the much needed pat on the back when its done.

I really need to remember to just go back to the basics, go back to who matters....God. 

My Depression (part 1)

Brace yourself, this may be a ramble.

Don't say I didn't warn you.  I won't take credit or blame for your face hitting your keyboard from falling asleep.

Ok so I have so many things going on.  Yet nothing is getting accomplished.  Some of you may know about me personally, some of you may not.  I suffer from depression.  I have a tendency to look like I have things together, look like I have the answers, but in reality I do not.  I am a mess.

I guess I probably get this from my Father.  For years I thought he had it all together.  Thought he planned things, organized things, thought everything was done to the T.  Ya not so much.  I learned in the last few years that he is a huge procrastinator.  I knew he suffered from depression, that he was bipolar and was a recovering alcoholic.  But I didn't know to the degree that he didn't get stuff done.  I learned that if it wasn't for his wife pushing him in the right ways to get things done, then they just might never have.

I never noticed it all.  I mean, sure the garage looked like a bomb went off in it, no matter how many times he "cleaned" it.  Sure his closet was a disaster area...but I just thought we had a lot of junk growing up.  We did, but it could have been organized in a much cleaner way.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my Father dearly, much more than he may ever know, but I was oblivious to it all.  That was until it was explained to me and when I saw those same tendencies in myself.

God says that a good wife keeps up the home, takes care of herself, is a amazing cook, etc.  I have failed tremendously in all those areas.  It is quite sad to be honest.

My house is a wreck, serious wreck.  I rarely get enough "good" sleep, so I try to catch up....well I am now coming to terms with it actually being my depression.  It is making my life a hell.  Just today my brother-in-law came over and helped Chris clean the back patio.  It was filthy.  I felt so bad about it that I hid in my room. I hid in my own house.  How sad is that?

I take care of Chris solely on my own.  He is like having a 5 year-old most days.  And I never get a break.  Even when I am at work I have to wonder if he is breaking something, burning up the place, locking himself out of the house, falling, and a plethora of other things.  When I am home I am constantly on edge waiting for him to do something.  I have tried going behind him and cleaning as the mess occurs but after awhile I just got tired of it all.  I got tired, sick and tired.  And now I just lay in bed.  And I call down to make sure he is ok.  He will answer me yes or no, and if its a no....then I will go help.

I haven't cooked in months...if even maybe a year.  Its microwave meals or fast food.  And even in some cases just not even bothering to eat at all.  I haven't lost a single pound from not eating, funny as that is.  But Chris has.  A mixture of his not wanting to eat and my not wanting to cook has left him looking like skin and bones.

I have about a million things I am "supposed" to do.....and not one of them ever gets done.

stay tuned for part 2

Now what to do?

I have hit somewhat of a road block.  One would call it that, but I call it a huge problem.

I had decided to go ahead and pick up my writing.  I am writing a story (which I hope to make into a book someday) based loosely on Chris and I's marriage.  Chris has given me the go ahead to do this project.  He has given me his blessing and has also stated he hopes that it impacts someone.

Now the road block comes into play.  I don't want it to be word for word my life.  I want these character's to have their own personalities, own issues, quirks, etc.  It can be difficult loosely basing something on my life, which trying to keep it fiction.

I have logged into the site I keep my work (no worries, it is safe and so password locked, it isn't funny), yet I simply can not come up with the words I want to use.

I have also been writing down my other ideas.  I have so many ideas for so many other books.

I want these to be real, to feel like real people, but I want Christian issues, Christian values, Christian ideas to be the core.  That is my life and I will not go back on it.

So I am asking you all to pray for me, pray I have some guidance in the right way to go with this story.  It is very important to me, as well as it is a wonderful way to get my frustrations out in a constructive way.

4 am

It's 4am here where I live.  I can not sleep.  I lay awake.  The TV is off.  The only sound I hear is that of my husband's occasional snore.  I rub my eyes and wish I could sleep.

I can not though.

I should have taken a sleeping pill.  That is usually the way I can fall asleep now.  But I simply forgot.  And now I regret it.  Mostly because I am not sleeping.  Also because I will have a hard time waking up when its time to get up to go to work.  But the main reason is so that I can dream.

Dreaming is the only escape I have.  The escape I long for every day.  It is where I see those I miss.  Those I love.  Those I wish I had one more moment with.  Those that I could say so much more to.  More than what I had said.

I would tell them I love them.  I would tell them they meant something.  I would tell them that the sun rose and the moon set with them in my eyes.  They were my everything.  They were so much more than what they thought they had been.

But they are gone and I am here.  And those words can never be spoken to them.  Those words will never fall on their ears or on their hearts.  Those words lie in my heart.  They lie with me forever. 

But in my dreams I can tell them.  Tell them everything I wanted to say.  Everything that mattered to me.  I can tell them the things I long to say now.

It's like a cruel joke.  I can only be with them in my dreams, in my sleep.  But yet when I close my eyes I can't make myself drift off.  I yawn but no sleep follows.  I rub my eyes but no sleep follows.  I wish for the thing that seems so natural.  But it doesn't come.

It doesn't come until I take that pill.  Should I?  Should I run towards the happiness?  Or should I refuse?  Should I rely on that pill?  Should I rely on it's magic?  Or should I refuse and take control?

It's 4am.  And I just want to sleep.....just want to dream....

It's been a week...

A week that was quite difficult I might add.  But I am here.

I am stuck in a rut right now.  Not knowing what to do, smile or cry?  I had four people yesterday ask me if I was ok.  Apparently I looked like I could cry.  But I wasn't going to, so I am not sure what look I had on my face.

I started back up on my cocktail of antidepressants. I call it a cocktail, because I don't drink anymore and it's kinda funny to say my cocktail.  As if I would drink. lol.

I am back on Wellbutrin in the moring, Celexa at dinner, and Elavil at night.

I have alot of anger issues.  They stem from a variety of things.  Not many people see the really truly angry person that I am.  I hide it very well.  I bottle it up inside of myself.  And then there is my depressed state.  Where I am just utterly depressed.  I don't want to get out of bed, yet I can't sleep.  It's a yo yo that I hate.  But I am not bipolar.  I don't have "manic" phases.  I do not experience any highs.

So in the past Wellbutrin worked extremely well in keeping my anger in check.  My anger depression as I call it.  And the Celexa worked great to keep my depression in check.  By accident I found out the combo of the two helped me alot.  So a month or so ago the doctor and I decided to try the combo again.  I tried the Wellbutrin by itself, but it just didn't work.  So we reintroduced the Celexa.

And to help me sleep we decided on Elavil.  That one has a two fold advantage for me.  I get to sleep and it helps with the neuropathy and pain in my legs.  So great right?

Well not so fast.

I find it absolutely hilarious that given what I do for a living, Pharmacy, I simply can not remember to take my medications.  It's quite comical.  So really I have been forgetting these medications.  So I haven't been consistantly taking them to reach a level to see if they truly work.

So after having a conversation with my friend, Juliet, she suggested maybe a pill holder.  I said I tried those and they didn't work so well.  But I was willing to try again.  I also mentioned that I had had a friend who sometimes would remind me too.  She would ask me, "have you taken your meds today?"  I never took offense to it, it honestly was nice to hear someone ask me.  Like they were trying to take care of me.

So yesterday Juliet asked me if I had taken my medications.  Yep!  I have this pill holder thing.  I has individual little containers for each day.  Each day is in its own little shelf.  I pull out the day of the week and can slip the holder in my pocket if I have to.  It has been making my life alot easier.

It is still really early to see if these are all helping.  But I am hopeful.  I had a bit of setback this weekend, where I didn't get out of bed until Sunday afternoon when my Mom called me.  But I know that I might have day's like that.  And that is ok.  I just have to take each day when it comes. 

Afterall, tomorrow has enough worries of its own.