My Depression (part 1)

Brace yourself, this may be a ramble.

Don't say I didn't warn you.  I won't take credit or blame for your face hitting your keyboard from falling asleep.

Ok so I have so many things going on.  Yet nothing is getting accomplished.  Some of you may know about me personally, some of you may not.  I suffer from depression.  I have a tendency to look like I have things together, look like I have the answers, but in reality I do not.  I am a mess.

I guess I probably get this from my Father.  For years I thought he had it all together.  Thought he planned things, organized things, thought everything was done to the T.  Ya not so much.  I learned in the last few years that he is a huge procrastinator.  I knew he suffered from depression, that he was bipolar and was a recovering alcoholic.  But I didn't know to the degree that he didn't get stuff done.  I learned that if it wasn't for his wife pushing him in the right ways to get things done, then they just might never have.

I never noticed it all.  I mean, sure the garage looked like a bomb went off in it, no matter how many times he "cleaned" it.  Sure his closet was a disaster area...but I just thought we had a lot of junk growing up.  We did, but it could have been organized in a much cleaner way.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my Father dearly, much more than he may ever know, but I was oblivious to it all.  That was until it was explained to me and when I saw those same tendencies in myself.

God says that a good wife keeps up the home, takes care of herself, is a amazing cook, etc.  I have failed tremendously in all those areas.  It is quite sad to be honest.

My house is a wreck, serious wreck.  I rarely get enough "good" sleep, so I try to catch up....well I am now coming to terms with it actually being my depression.  It is making my life a hell.  Just today my brother-in-law came over and helped Chris clean the back patio.  It was filthy.  I felt so bad about it that I hid in my room. I hid in my own house.  How sad is that?

I take care of Chris solely on my own.  He is like having a 5 year-old most days.  And I never get a break.  Even when I am at work I have to wonder if he is breaking something, burning up the place, locking himself out of the house, falling, and a plethora of other things.  When I am home I am constantly on edge waiting for him to do something.  I have tried going behind him and cleaning as the mess occurs but after awhile I just got tired of it all.  I got tired, sick and tired.  And now I just lay in bed.  And I call down to make sure he is ok.  He will answer me yes or no, and if its a no....then I will go help.

I haven't cooked in months...if even maybe a year.  Its microwave meals or fast food.  And even in some cases just not even bothering to eat at all.  I haven't lost a single pound from not eating, funny as that is.  But Chris has.  A mixture of his not wanting to eat and my not wanting to cook has left him looking like skin and bones.

I have about a million things I am "supposed" to do.....and not one of them ever gets done.

stay tuned for part 2