It's been a week...

A week that was quite difficult I might add.  But I am here.

I am stuck in a rut right now.  Not knowing what to do, smile or cry?  I had four people yesterday ask me if I was ok.  Apparently I looked like I could cry.  But I wasn't going to, so I am not sure what look I had on my face.

I started back up on my cocktail of antidepressants. I call it a cocktail, because I don't drink anymore and it's kinda funny to say my cocktail.  As if I would drink. lol.

I am back on Wellbutrin in the moring, Celexa at dinner, and Elavil at night.

I have alot of anger issues.  They stem from a variety of things.  Not many people see the really truly angry person that I am.  I hide it very well.  I bottle it up inside of myself.  And then there is my depressed state.  Where I am just utterly depressed.  I don't want to get out of bed, yet I can't sleep.  It's a yo yo that I hate.  But I am not bipolar.  I don't have "manic" phases.  I do not experience any highs.

So in the past Wellbutrin worked extremely well in keeping my anger in check.  My anger depression as I call it.  And the Celexa worked great to keep my depression in check.  By accident I found out the combo of the two helped me alot.  So a month or so ago the doctor and I decided to try the combo again.  I tried the Wellbutrin by itself, but it just didn't work.  So we reintroduced the Celexa.

And to help me sleep we decided on Elavil.  That one has a two fold advantage for me.  I get to sleep and it helps with the neuropathy and pain in my legs.  So great right?

Well not so fast.

I find it absolutely hilarious that given what I do for a living, Pharmacy, I simply can not remember to take my medications.  It's quite comical.  So really I have been forgetting these medications.  So I haven't been consistantly taking them to reach a level to see if they truly work.

So after having a conversation with my friend, Juliet, she suggested maybe a pill holder.  I said I tried those and they didn't work so well.  But I was willing to try again.  I also mentioned that I had had a friend who sometimes would remind me too.  She would ask me, "have you taken your meds today?"  I never took offense to it, it honestly was nice to hear someone ask me.  Like they were trying to take care of me.

So yesterday Juliet asked me if I had taken my medications.  Yep!  I have this pill holder thing.  I has individual little containers for each day.  Each day is in its own little shelf.  I pull out the day of the week and can slip the holder in my pocket if I have to.  It has been making my life alot easier.

It is still really early to see if these are all helping.  But I am hopeful.  I had a bit of setback this weekend, where I didn't get out of bed until Sunday afternoon when my Mom called me.  But I know that I might have day's like that.  And that is ok.  I just have to take each day when it comes. 

Afterall, tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

A little cleaning up.

I am not a perfectionist by any means. I am not the cleanest person either.

As I get older I tend to get more and more annoyed with the uncleanliness of my home, the clutter of mess I have. Things I do not use, yet don't know what to do with them...really makes me horribly mad.

It's a anger I project completely on myself. I know it is.

When did I get like this?

It has to have been within the past few years. Because I can't remember a time where this mattered all that much.

I have been told I was a very organized child. Things had to be put away in the right places, my school folders were organized to my optimum capabilities. That I do agree with, because I have issues with my folders and binders for school, even now.

But when did I become like this and how?

I don't think it was an inherited thing from my parents. My Mom and Dad aren't the biggest clean freaks ever. They both "live" in their houses. I am sure they would love for whatever little mess they have to be more orderly, but they do not let it dictate their lives.

I, on the other hand, have anxiety attacks and get physically angry if my house isn't orderly.

And depression isn't helping this at all. I am depressed most of the time and have no desire to clean, yet I get mad when it isn't. Such a vicious cycle.

I am trying to make it somewhat easier on myself, taking on small challenges.

Yesterday was organizing a pile of papers on my desk. I organized them, and feel great. Tonight was picking up the clothes mess I made while trying to find something the other day. And tonight I feel better. Tomorrow will be the small pile on my rocking chair.

Slowly I will make it downstairs, only to have to restart all over :)

Just another day...

I am depressed.

Ok I put it out there. Things should get better right? Acknowledging it is half the battle right?

I have let my life fall apart piece by piece. I have given up alot of things that I have loved. Stopped doing things that made me happy.

I am not exactly sure why, but I have.

All because I am depressed and down. And not wanting to deal with things.

I sleep all day, go to work, come home, and hide behind this screen. I don't do anything. I don't cook, clean, nothing. I just barely exist.

Today tho I took a step. I cleaned my kitchen, did all the dishes. Dishes that had been sitting there for far longer than they should have. And now I have White Chicken Chili in the crockpot.

Tomorrow I will work on my bedroom. Then the next day my living room. One step at a time is what I am doing.

So if you happen to read this...which I am sure no one really does...leave me a comment...tell me your tricks to clean things, keep things clean, how you have a schedule...whatever it is that gets you up and motivated. I could use the inspiration.

I haven't been here for awhile...

I haven't been here for awhile. And for a good reason. But I was on facebook and my brother said something about a thought provoking website..funny that I should think of this place.

I haven't been here for a good reason...

This place is titled "You say Hotdog, I say Huttdog." It was titled that way for a number of reasons, but the main reason was because of my little wiener dog, Ladybird.

I found it hilarious to come here and talk about her every once in a great while and also about my adventures. I found it hilarious that I titled it that way as well.

But on November 21st something horrific happened. Something that wouldn't allow me to come here until now.

I lost Ladybird. She died on November 21st.

I am truely lost without her and unsure how much I will be here to post. I will try...but I may even start up a new blog. Who really knows. For now tho I am leaving everything here in hopes that someday I can come back and read about the things that were happening in my life when she was alive.

For now I will leave this here...hopefully come back to tell you all the story about her life and death. For now I will mourn her death...with her sitting beside me on the nightstand (I had her cremated).

RIP
Ladybird Elizabeth Fyffe-Allard