Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Butterfly Kisses

Butterfly Kisses

There's two things I know for sure:
She was sent here from heaven and she's
daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her
hair; "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know I must
have done something right to deserve a hug
every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer; sticking
little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, But if you
don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not
sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"

Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have
done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly
kisses-I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.


This is the song that I danced to with my Dad to at my wedding. It was a very special song to me. I think mainly because of its innocence. To me it struck me as something I had always wanted, unconditional love, from my father.

Lemme explain that. Its not meant to be taken as my father never loving me, it means alot more than that.

Growing up my Dad and I never had a "great" relationship. There was alot of strains. There was alot of hurt feelings and alot of tears. Most of it was feelings on my part. I never knew the right way to approach my Dad. It could have been as simple as asking if I could get a drink of kool-aid. I simply did not know how to read him. I feared upsetting him and feared his disapproval. It was a constant thought of mine. I ended up thinking if I was out of the way, I was less of a pain. I spent a great deal of time in my room, mainly reading, drawing, or writing.

I yearned for approval, not exactly sure why, but I did. I did my best in school, came home straight from school, did my chores, did homework, cleaned my room, and basically was quiet. I actually rarely gave my parents reason to punish me. Dont get me wrong, I got punished but not nearly as much as normal children.

So basically I was in my room alot. I then met some friends, Julie and Kristin, and realized I was liked and could maintain friendships while doing all the things I had been doing. I was a good girl in junior high. I made National Honor Society and still maintained my friendships. I didnt dare bring up boys, that was a mute point in the house. My father would hear nothing of the sorts.

I eventually met a boy, Chad, who would eventually become my first real boyfriend. We had a great relationship, over the phone. We talked all through the summer before our Freshman year. We developed a great friendship. When we began our Freshman year, Chad finally asked me to be his girlfriend. It was the first time I was ever asked that question and I jumped at the chance. I vaguely remember casually mentioning it to my parents, but I think I played it off as no big deal.

Chad and I eventually grew apart and broke up. It was a time where I wished my Dad would have hugged me and told me that it was all going to be ok. But I didnt have that. It was the first true heartbreak I had gone thru and I had no one to talk to about it.

I continued on thru highschool. I had a brief relationship my Junior year, I dont even remember his name, thats how much it mattered. When I came upon my Senior year alot of things came to blows.

My father walked out on his job. He was apparently going thru alot of things. I sure didnt understand it. He never opened up. He drank alot and took alot of prescription pills (never prescribed for him, but furnished by my "mother"). One night I woke up to hear him crying. I walked into the kitchen and there he stood with my mom (Michele, actually my step-mom). He was crying. Michele had threatened to leave him because of his drinking. He went cold sober.

It was a rough time. There was no pleasing my Dad during that time. I walked on egg shells everyday and hoped to not upset him. This was also the time where my brother started to really test waters and really piss me off.

One day I was doing chores and told him he needed to do his. He basically told my Dad I was bossing him around. I guess that was enough to cause my Dad to get really angry because he began yelling at me. He accused me and my friends of alot of things. And then proceeded to tell me that if I didnt like it to leave.

I packed some belongings and left. I was a senior in highschool. I had a car and no where to live. I walked away from the only home I had ever known, and I never returned. It was the hardest time in my life and one that I will never forget. I still remember what I grabbed that day and where I went after leaving.

I continued thru my senior year and graduation was drawing closer. The entire year I had not talked to my Dad. I was told thru my brother and Mother that my Dad fully expected me to come home that night. He was literally devestated when I never came back.

We have never talked about what happened. We never appologized to each other. We both have swept it under the rug and do not want to revisit the past.

After a few years we began having the relationship I had always wanted. We began talking, began speaking, and listening to each other. Today the father I have is not the father I had growing up. He calls me kiddo now, hugs me, tells me is proud of me and danced with me at my wedding.

I've never told anyone what he said to me as we danced, and I probally never will. Its a moment in time that I had longed for as a child. One too precious to share. Call me selfish, but I cant share that moment.

Yesterday as I visited him I was reminded of what he used to be. I try to remember the good things. Him playing baseball, coaching my brothers little league team, umpiring games, owning his own business, and working on cars come to mind. He can't do those things anymore. Its hard sometimes for me to watch him and how he moves. He is becoming more weak everyday. It breaks my heart. He is one strong man tho in mind.

And everyday I thank God for the gift of my fathers love and friendship, because I know what it is like to wonder if it was ever there....


hangel said...

I am glad that you have that special relationship with your father--and know that he loves you--and always has. And it is even more special that you don't take it for granted. You have both taken a long road to get to where you are today. Treasure it!