Monday, May 31, 2010

A reminder of my brother...

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

For some reason today when I saw this scripture I thought of my brother Tom.  He is overseas, serving his last deployment.  He is awaiting his departure from the Marine Corp.  And we are waiting for him here at home.

I posted it on his facebook page, hoping it speaks to him as it did me.  He isn't a religious person.  And I am not even sure he believes in God.  But I posted it anyways...

I hope it touches his heart.... 

Saturday, May 22, 2010

My Depression (Part 2)

Things that I should get done have become much more than even a chore. It almost pains me to get up and get my day started. I have to put on a happy face and face the world. All the while I just would rather go back to bed.

I am much more comfortable here in bed, online, talking to people behind the comforts of a computer screen. It is safer. And it sure doesn't require a smile.

I was doing pretty well at hiding the pain, hiding the feeling of hopelessness. But then just last week a friend said this to me in a email;

"You looks so sad lately"

That is all it said. Nothing more. And I cried. I cried because the jig was up. I was had. I hadn't hid it very well, had I? How was he able to see it? And so I asked him. He said he just knew. He knew me well enough to know when I was happy and when I wasn't.

In most cases I would just laugh this off via email, make it sound like he was losing his own mind. But for some reason I just couldn't lie to this friend. He is a very good friend who has listened to me and provided some good recommendations at times. He is a big reason why I am going back to school. He told me I was smart enough to do anything I wanted to do and more. So lying to him seemed quite silly. I sighed and told him he was right, that I wasn't all put together and was a mess. And that I was back on my medications. All 3 of them to be precise. He "listened" via email, and emailed me back words of encouragement and told me that if I ever needed to talk, he was there to listen. He really is a very good friend. The kind that gives you a laugh when you need it, growls with you when your angry and scolds you when you need a good scolding.

So this past week I have reflected since that email. Wondering what part of me was shown to him. It had to be a part that wanted and needed help. Someone seeing my unhappiness had to be God's way of saying "hey you, come on pick yourself up and we will get you through this."

I have thought about what I want to do. Do I want to lay here in self pity? Do I want to be happy? I want nothing more than to be happy. To feel some joy again. Because right now I feel at the bottom. I don't even really remember what happy feels like. And that is sad to me. Just plain sad.

stay tuned for part 3

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The appetite of the lazy craves and gets nothing, while the appetite of the diligent is richly supplied. Proverbs 13:4

I have been lazy.  I admit it wholeheartedly.  And I have been suffering from it.  Just read my latest blog about my depression.  It's been eating me up inside everyday.

I decided I was going to blog today about an accomplishment I had yesterday.  It was a horrible day, filled with many tears.  But I had one good thing come of it and I came here to blog about it.  I try to remember to add scripture to my blogs when it is extremely relevant to me at that particular time, particular blog, etc.  So I set out to find a perfect scripture that captured exactly what I was thinking.

And I found the above scripture, and it spoke volumes to me.  Just when I become a little complacent and feel that I am just right with what God is saying to me, he goes and pulls the wool over my eyes and shocks me a bit.  He helps me remember that I should go to him for the answers.

See I came here today to tell you that even though it was a horrible day I accomplished cleaning my downstairs tile floor.  Except for a little portion by the front door and under the kitchen table it looks spectacular.  Amazing honestly.

And I even cooked a meal that was sooo yummy.

So I looked for a scripture about rejoicing, keeping up the home.  And I found this one. 

Now what did it mean to me?  Well it reminded me that my being lazy is just making things worse.  Especially when it comes to my depression.  I need to get up and face the day.  I need to tackle challenges.  Even if I only do one little thing a day, its an accomplishment. And God will provide the much needed pat on the back when its done.

I really need to remember to just go back to the basics, go back to who matters....God. 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My Depression (part 1)

Brace yourself, this may be a ramble.

Don't say I didn't warn you.  I won't take credit or blame for your face hitting your keyboard from falling asleep.

Ok so I have so many things going on.  Yet nothing is getting accomplished.  Some of you may know about me personally, some of you may not.  I suffer from depression.  I have a tendency to look like I have things together, look like I have the answers, but in reality I do not.  I am a mess.

I guess I probably get this from my Father.  For years I thought he had it all together.  Thought he planned things, organized things, thought everything was done to the T.  Ya not so much.  I learned in the last few years that he is a huge procrastinator.  I knew he suffered from depression, that he was bipolar and was a recovering alcoholic.  But I didn't know to the degree that he didn't get stuff done.  I learned that if it wasn't for his wife pushing him in the right ways to get things done, then they just might never have.

I never noticed it all.  I mean, sure the garage looked like a bomb went off in it, no matter how many times he "cleaned" it.  Sure his closet was a disaster area...but I just thought we had a lot of junk growing up.  We did, but it could have been organized in a much cleaner way.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my Father dearly, much more than he may ever know, but I was oblivious to it all.  That was until it was explained to me and when I saw those same tendencies in myself.

God says that a good wife keeps up the home, takes care of herself, is a amazing cook, etc.  I have failed tremendously in all those areas.  It is quite sad to be honest.

My house is a wreck, serious wreck.  I rarely get enough "good" sleep, so I try to catch up....well I am now coming to terms with it actually being my depression.  It is making my life a hell.  Just today my brother-in-law came over and helped Chris clean the back patio.  It was filthy.  I felt so bad about it that I hid in my room. I hid in my own house.  How sad is that?

I take care of Chris solely on my own.  He is like having a 5 year-old most days.  And I never get a break.  Even when I am at work I have to wonder if he is breaking something, burning up the place, locking himself out of the house, falling, and a plethora of other things.  When I am home I am constantly on edge waiting for him to do something.  I have tried going behind him and cleaning as the mess occurs but after awhile I just got tired of it all.  I got tired, sick and tired.  And now I just lay in bed.  And I call down to make sure he is ok.  He will answer me yes or no, and if its a no....then I will go help.

I haven't cooked in months...if even maybe a year.  Its microwave meals or fast food.  And even in some cases just not even bothering to eat at all.  I haven't lost a single pound from not eating, funny as that is.  But Chris has.  A mixture of his not wanting to eat and my not wanting to cook has left him looking like skin and bones.

I have about a million things I am "supposed" to do.....and not one of them ever gets done.

stay tuned for part 2

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Now what to do?

I have hit somewhat of a road block.  One would call it that, but I call it a huge problem.

I had decided to go ahead and pick up my writing.  I am writing a story (which I hope to make into a book someday) based loosely on Chris and I's marriage.  Chris has given me the go ahead to do this project.  He has given me his blessing and has also stated he hopes that it impacts someone.

Now the road block comes into play.  I don't want it to be word for word my life.  I want these character's to have their own personalities, own issues, quirks, etc.  It can be difficult loosely basing something on my life, which trying to keep it fiction.

I have logged into the site I keep my work (no worries, it is safe and so password locked, it isn't funny), yet I simply can not come up with the words I want to use.

I have also been writing down my other ideas.  I have so many ideas for so many other books.

I want these to be real, to feel like real people, but I want Christian issues, Christian values, Christian ideas to be the core.  That is my life and I will not go back on it.

So I am asking you all to pray for me, pray I have some guidance in the right way to go with this story.  It is very important to me, as well as it is a wonderful way to get my frustrations out in a constructive way.

Monday, May 10, 2010

4 am

It's 4am here where I live.  I can not sleep.  I lay awake.  The TV is off.  The only sound I hear is that of my husband's occasional snore.  I rub my eyes and wish I could sleep.

I can not though.

I should have taken a sleeping pill.  That is usually the way I can fall asleep now.  But I simply forgot.  And now I regret it.  Mostly because I am not sleeping.  Also because I will have a hard time waking up when its time to get up to go to work.  But the main reason is so that I can dream.

Dreaming is the only escape I have.  The escape I long for every day.  It is where I see those I miss.  Those I love.  Those I wish I had one more moment with.  Those that I could say so much more to.  More than what I had said.

I would tell them I love them.  I would tell them they meant something.  I would tell them that the sun rose and the moon set with them in my eyes.  They were my everything.  They were so much more than what they thought they had been.

But they are gone and I am here.  And those words can never be spoken to them.  Those words will never fall on their ears or on their hearts.  Those words lie in my heart.  They lie with me forever. 

But in my dreams I can tell them.  Tell them everything I wanted to say.  Everything that mattered to me.  I can tell them the things I long to say now.

It's like a cruel joke.  I can only be with them in my dreams, in my sleep.  But yet when I close my eyes I can't make myself drift off.  I yawn but no sleep follows.  I rub my eyes but no sleep follows.  I wish for the thing that seems so natural.  But it doesn't come.

It doesn't come until I take that pill.  Should I?  Should I run towards the happiness?  Or should I refuse?  Should I rely on that pill?  Should I rely on it's magic?  Or should I refuse and take control?

It's 4am.  And I just want to sleep.....just want to dream....

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

It's been a week...

A week that was quite difficult I might add.  But I am here.

I am stuck in a rut right now.  Not knowing what to do, smile or cry?  I had four people yesterday ask me if I was ok.  Apparently I looked like I could cry.  But I wasn't going to, so I am not sure what look I had on my face.

I started back up on my cocktail of antidepressants. I call it a cocktail, because I don't drink anymore and it's kinda funny to say my cocktail.  As if I would drink. lol.

I am back on Wellbutrin in the moring, Celexa at dinner, and Elavil at night.

I have alot of anger issues.  They stem from a variety of things.  Not many people see the really truly angry person that I am.  I hide it very well.  I bottle it up inside of myself.  And then there is my depressed state.  Where I am just utterly depressed.  I don't want to get out of bed, yet I can't sleep.  It's a yo yo that I hate.  But I am not bipolar.  I don't have "manic" phases.  I do not experience any highs.

So in the past Wellbutrin worked extremely well in keeping my anger in check.  My anger depression as I call it.  And the Celexa worked great to keep my depression in check.  By accident I found out the combo of the two helped me alot.  So a month or so ago the doctor and I decided to try the combo again.  I tried the Wellbutrin by itself, but it just didn't work.  So we reintroduced the Celexa.

And to help me sleep we decided on Elavil.  That one has a two fold advantage for me.  I get to sleep and it helps with the neuropathy and pain in my legs.  So great right?

Well not so fast.

I find it absolutely hilarious that given what I do for a living, Pharmacy, I simply can not remember to take my medications.  It's quite comical.  So really I have been forgetting these medications.  So I haven't been consistantly taking them to reach a level to see if they truly work.

So after having a conversation with my friend, Juliet, she suggested maybe a pill holder.  I said I tried those and they didn't work so well.  But I was willing to try again.  I also mentioned that I had had a friend who sometimes would remind me too.  She would ask me, "have you taken your meds today?"  I never took offense to it, it honestly was nice to hear someone ask me.  Like they were trying to take care of me.

So yesterday Juliet asked me if I had taken my medications.  Yep!  I have this pill holder thing.  I has individual little containers for each day.  Each day is in its own little shelf.  I pull out the day of the week and can slip the holder in my pocket if I have to.  It has been making my life alot easier.

It is still really early to see if these are all helping.  But I am hopeful.  I had a bit of setback this weekend, where I didn't get out of bed until Sunday afternoon when my Mom called me.  But I know that I might have day's like that.  And that is ok.  I just have to take each day when it comes. 

Afterall, tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Sticky Sunday

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Will I See Them In Heaven?

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

During a friendly discussion with some friends some interesting questions were asked. See I have a friend who is not Christian, he is a non believer. He does graciously accept my prayers when I say I am praying for him. He does so mainly out of respect for our friendship, I believe. So when the question was raised to me, "do you ever fear you will not see your loved ones in this Heaven or Lord's house when you arrive" was asked, I started to think.

Of course I am troubled by the fact that my loved ones may not be waiting in the Lord's house for me when I die, or I will be waiting for those that will never come. It hurts my heart to think that I may never see those that I hold dear to me. It hurts that I will know where they are, certainly not with me and the Lord.

But I guess what hurts me even more is that they will never have been saved. They will never know the Good News of our Lord. That their hearts will never rejoice like mine has. That they will never know that Jesus Christ died for their sins, that he gave his life for us.

And how is it that I fix this? Because let's be honest, as humans we want to fix whatever the problem is...make it better, make it right.

So I have been brainstorming. How can I impact others for Christ?

It's a question that my Pastor brought to the Church almost a year ago. He challenged us to be Bold. To go out and impact the world for Christ. I will be honest, I am horrible at trying to impact others for Christ. Horrible at it. Plain horrible.

It's one of my worst qualities. And its a quality I absolutely hate about myself. So I have to set myself with small goals. Small goals to push myself to show others this wonderful and glorious life I have found.

It starts with just being honest with myself. Getting down to the nitty gritty of what I truly believe in my heart. To tell myself that what I believe may not be popular, but it is right. To act according to those beliefs is crucial. Because you can believe all you want to believe, but if your actions do not back up what you believe, then where is the justification in what you believe? How can others look at you and say now there is someone who stands firm in what they believe if you go against every single thing you "preach"? You have to hold true to those beliefs and show them in your actions.

The next step for myself is to openly share with my friends. Its a small group, but to share it with them gets me more open to sharing with a much larger group of people. To just be able to share my testimony is a huge thing for me. It is extremely emotional for me to share. So I started off with sharing with one friend. So far so good, she has started attending church with me. She and I talk about the Bible, religion, God, and just about everything else. She has become one of my closest friends.

What the next step is? Well I am not certain just yet. I pray about it, but not in the sense that you see me down on my hands and knees bowing my head. I have discussions with God everyday in my head. I ask him to lead me to the right path. So far he has told me or guided me down those two areas of my path. Who knows tomorrow he may lead me completely in a different direction. But I leave it up to him.

But the long in the short is, I am terrified that my loved ones will never see the goodness and wonderfulness of God. They will never see what I see. And when I meet God, they will not be there. It terrifies me. So I pray and hope that they each see the changes in me and wonder what it is that I have that they don't have. That they see his holiness in my actions. That they find what I have.

So that one day we do see each other in Heaven.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I have been thinking alot lately of what truly makes a friend.  What is the definition?  Well we could go look it up, but what does it really mean?

I think we all have different definitions although some of those definitions might duplicate and repeat themselves.

I have had to take a long look at some of the friendships I have made.  Reason?  Well someone once said you surround yourself with the people you want other's to know you as.  Well that makes sense.  If you want to be known as a thief, you tend to hang out with other thieves.  If you want to be known as a God fearing Christian, you surround yourself with other Christians.  It makes perfect sense.

So I wondered exactly who are my friends.  Who are they?

I tend to like all kinds of people.  I do not have a mold that everyone must fit in.  I know that is impossible.  It just can't happen.  I open my heart and soul to everyone.  I have had it smashed a few times, and other times the love has been reciprocated.  For the most part I have developed some lasting friendships that mean more to me than anything else.

But there are those rare bad seeds.  The ones that I let in and just can't tear myself away from.  I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and always give them second, third, fourth....chances.  And they always let me down.  Now I am not someone with high standards.  Anyone who has met me can attest.  I am a simple person who isn't extravagant by any means.  All I ask for is respect and for my feelings to be thought of sometimes.  Easy right?

Ya not so much.

So because of a recent incident I have sat back and really thought of who my friends are and who I want people to know me as.  Do I want to be known as someone who is loving?  Or someone who has no regard for others feelings and runs the streets?

I think we all know the answer to those questions.   I am consciously deciding on who I want in my life and who I do not want in my life.  I care too much about others and it's extremely hard for me to step back and not get involved.  It tears my heart in two.  But I have to do it.  I have to.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Monday Madness

Today is Monday...yet another week.

I have so much to do, yet do not want to do it. LOL.  Yet another symptom of my depression.

I am trying to get this depression under wraps before I start school in the fall.  I don not want a single thing to hinder my success.  I will not allow myself to fail.  I will not allow myself to slip.  I will not allow myself to come up with another excuse.

This is my last chance to change my future, to write it the way I want and the way God wants.  I am following where he is leading me.  He has given me the tools, now I just have to make it happen.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

It's Thursday...

And I already feel like this week couldn't be over fast enough.

I am so exhausted. 

I have a dear friend who is terribly sick.  She was told she might have cervical cancer.  She also found a lump on her breast.  She is only 23.  Too young to be dealing with this, too wonderful to have to go through this.  And yet here she is doing it with such grace and dignity that I am in awe.

But today she was at her wits end.  I saw her break a little.

She texted my phone this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital.  She was in such extreme pain.  I went just as soon as Chris was comfortable (he was in the throws of a panic attack).

There she lay, hooked up to a machine, just in tears.  My heart broke for her.  She doesn't deserve to be going through this.  She has a son and a bright future.  Yet she is dealing with all of this.

I had to leave her for just a bit, take Chris to the doctor, drop off his prescriptions, get him something to eat, then back at the hospital.  She was discharged shortly thereafter, with no real definition of what was wrong.  My poor friend has medication, lots of prayers and the hope that she won't be in such pain that she can't sleep comfortably at home tonight.

I realize that most will never meet her, will never speak to her, but if you could take a moment to pray that my friend Juliet makes it through this, I would so appreciate it.
Thank you.
Hugs and love!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Monday Merriment

I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:19-34

This happens to be my most favorite bible verse to date. I say to date because I haven't read the bible in its entirety. This verse speaks so much to me, and touches my heart in so many ways.

I read this scripture when I was at my lowest low. I had just lost our home (I say I because Chris just isn't physically or mentally able to grasp this all). I had to find a new place to live, move our things, and all the while Chris was in a psychiatric facility, so I was visiting him regularly. Mind you I also had to go to my Grandmother and borrow money to afford to obtain our townhouse. I did all this without actually falling completely apart.

I had gone to a friend about my losing my house. How I was desperately trying to keep it together. How I had no idea how I would be able to do all of this on my own. A few days later she called me and asked me if she could help along with a couple of guys and a truck. I, of course, jumped at the thought of doing this. I needed help so badly. I felt like I was going to break at any moment.

The day of the move I didn't even have a thing packed. I had to work during the week and was running from work to the psychiatric ward then back to work. I barely could even clean my house. Everything was a disaster and I prayed that she and her friends could look past it all and I wouldn't be embarassed.

She called me from a few streets down and said they were almost there. Then there was a knock on my door. There she stood. She said "come meet the guys". I walked down my walkway and around the garage to see 17 people standing there. Her entire church group was there to move me. Never had I ever felt such love in my life.

They packed my whole entire house. The entire time they kept saying, "don't touch a thing, just tell us how you want it packed." And then they loaded it all up and moved it to my new place. Once there, I wasn't allowed to move a thing. I was just told "don't touch a thing, just tell us where to put it."

It took 2 hours, but my whole house was moved. And I never lifted a box, ever.

Their generousity completely caught me off guard. I was taken aback. I remember asking my friend about her church. I ended up going to church that night.....and was moved to tears.

So many people opened their hearts to me, opened up a day of their time to help me. And they didn't even know me!

A month later came Christmas. This same group bought Chris and I gifts. They gave us over $600 in gift cards, gifts, chocolate, decorations and most importantly a new bible.

I cracked that bible open that night and started reading Matthew. Within a week I read the scripture above. I cried and cried and knew right then I had found the place I needed to be. And I haven't looked back.

This verse calmed my fears. It gave me hope. It reminded me that there is hope. That things will be ok.

And friends....this is my testimony (the jist of it...I could make a whole new post just on my feelings at that particular time of my life). This is how I became a Christian, a follower of Christ, and a believer.

Friday, April 9, 2010

A little cleaning up.

I am not a perfectionist by any means. I am not the cleanest person either.

As I get older I tend to get more and more annoyed with the uncleanliness of my home, the clutter of mess I have. Things I do not use, yet don't know what to do with them...really makes me horribly mad.

It's a anger I project completely on myself. I know it is.

When did I get like this?

It has to have been within the past few years. Because I can't remember a time where this mattered all that much.

I have been told I was a very organized child. Things had to be put away in the right places, my school folders were organized to my optimum capabilities. That I do agree with, because I have issues with my folders and binders for school, even now.

But when did I become like this and how?

I don't think it was an inherited thing from my parents. My Mom and Dad aren't the biggest clean freaks ever. They both "live" in their houses. I am sure they would love for whatever little mess they have to be more orderly, but they do not let it dictate their lives.

I, on the other hand, have anxiety attacks and get physically angry if my house isn't orderly.

And depression isn't helping this at all. I am depressed most of the time and have no desire to clean, yet I get mad when it isn't. Such a vicious cycle.

I am trying to make it somewhat easier on myself, taking on small challenges.

Yesterday was organizing a pile of papers on my desk. I organized them, and feel great. Tonight was picking up the clothes mess I made while trying to find something the other day. And tonight I feel better. Tomorrow will be the small pile on my rocking chair.

Slowly I will make it downstairs, only to have to restart all over :)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I am writing a book

No really I am, seriously.

I am not sure anymore if anyone ever reads this blog.  I am half tempted to stop.  But I find it a bit therapeutic, so I will continue for awhile...

But anyways...

I am in fact writing a book.  It's based a bit on my marriage with some other stuff thrown in so that it makes for a more interesting book.  It's a long ways off,  but I am plugging away at it.

Here is the jist of it.

This woman is married to a man.  He was once successful, had a their marriage is in turmoil.  He has spent their savings, they live in ruins.  She is a successful advertising woman, works hard.  She decides she is going to leave him and start anew.
Then tragedy occurs.  He overdoses and gets into a car accident.  Now she is left to pick up the pieces yet again.

Thats what I have so far...for an idea.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What I learned this week...

This honestly should be a post I put up on Sunday's. But you know life got in the way and what not. So here it is Tuesday, and I figured I should tell you what I learned.

1. You should get to church early on a holiday, otherwise your stuck up way in the rafters on the right, not really being able to see.

2. You know when you know something bother's your stomach, you probably shouldn't eat it. No matter how much you love it.

3. Being an adult is hard work, but it has to be done. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

4. Nothing should stand in your way of true happiness. Conquer whatever stands in your way, be fearless.

5. Sometimes those who you love will let you down, and not intentionally.

6. It's ok to cry.

7. Pets are like children, bring a new one into the house and the others get jealous.

8. You may not like your spouse 100% of the time, but you love them 100% of the time.

9. You know who your true friends are when your at your lowest.

10. Life isn't simple, its hard work. But it's worth it.

A Confession

Now I don't believe in going into a little room, and spewing my confessions to a man. Be it that man is a priest, doesn't faze me at all. I just do not believe in that at all. I believe only in going straight to our Lord, Jesus Christ and asking for forgiveness. I just do not believe that a mere man who is still here on earth can have a direct connection to Jesus on my behalf. I think that connection should be between Jesus and I only.

That said, occasionally I voice my confessions to friends and family. Mainly in hopes that my "confession" will help someone else.

So here goes...

I am horribly ashamed that my bible has dust on it. Horribly ashamed. Now most people would say that it is just dust.

But that dust means so much more. It means I have not picked my bible up in a very long time. And for that I a m ashamed.

The Bible is the ultimate true written word from my Lord. He had it written down so that I could read it and absorb it, go back to it and see his word. And I haven't picked it up in so long.

I need to get my butt going, get it out of this ditch. And go back to where I belong. Right where Jesus wanted me, right where it belongs.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Little puppy snores

It is almost 5 am and I am laying here in bed with one of Lady's sisters. I am laying here with Hannah. But we affectionately call her Hannah Montana.

She is alot like Lady, but also so different.

She is a gently soul, very quiet, very calm. She really doesn't get wound up. Lady was quiet too, affectionate, etc. but she could get wound up.

She is snuggling with me and has the most adorable snores. She is loud! Like sawing logs. Its so cute!

Monday, March 29, 2010

A love like no other...

At some point throughout a person's life you come across a love that will sweep you off your feet, a love that touches your heart, a love that makes you a better person, and a love that simply puts a smile on your face.

Love is a funny thing. For me it isn't perfect by any means. I have had a couple of loves in my life. And I love every one of my friends for different reasons. I try to tell the people in my life that they mean the world to me and that I love them as often as I get to. It's important to me.

I simply do not want any regrets when I leave this world. I want those who knew me, whom I loved, to know I loved them. I want them to know they are special, that I thought the world of them. So I tell those loved ones. Daily sometimes.

Most people think that Chris and I say "I love you" just way too much. And sometimes I agree with that. But this has always been the way Chris and I have operated. I say it to him because I do love him. I may not be extremely head over heels madly in love with him 100% of the time, but I do love him. For various reasons (that I will leave for another day to explain).

I think love is tricky too. It's hard to explain, hard to understand. There are so many different levels of love. And most are not in tune with their relationships or even the word love to grasp what the word even means. It is thrown around so blindly and so willy nilly that the word almost doesn't mean anything anymore.

For me that is so extremely sad. Because love means alot to me. And when I love, I love with my whole heart, as much as I possibly can. I never say I love someone unless I truely mean it, unless I want that person to understand what they mean to me.

Like I said, I have had a couple of loves. A few maybe. And these are loves like no other. They all had different meanings to me, all go back to different stages of my life.

There was Chad...

My first real boyfriend, first real relationship. And he broke my heart. We were just freshmen in highschool. So really it was kid love. And looking back on it, well, it was quite comical. But I don't regret using that word. He is an important part of my past. He came into my life when I was entering highschool, entering a life changing part of my life. And he was geniunely a good guy.

Then there was Tom...

Now this relationship was extremely important to me. I would be lying if I said I never thought of him anymore. I still do every now and then. Tom was older than I was, and held the key to independence and adulthood, or so I thought. He was 21 and I was 18. I was a senior in high school, and dating him gave me instant popularity. I was the girl dating a guy out of high school. To girls, I was dating a babe. To guys, I must have had something if a older guy wanted to date me. Tom is also who I lost my virginity to. And even as a Christian now, I don't regret it.

And finally there is Chris...

I hated him when I first met him. Loathed him. Couldn't stand him. And then something changed. I still don't know what it was. We haven't had the greatest relationship. There have been fights, drug use (his part) and other issues. But we have survived. We have gotten through it at. It's a relationship I simply can not explain.

I guess in all of this, what I have been trying to explain is that every love is like no other. There are many loves in a person's life. And they are all different. They don't have to be that of a sexual nature either. Love comes in many different shapes, sizes and colors. You have to make your own definition of love. Have to figure out each level. Its up to you to find it, catch it and hold onto it. To find a love like no other is up to you.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Friday Came and Went

And I didn't blog. O no.

Ehh, such is life.

Nothing exciting has happened in the past day. I got a new desk at work. Um ya not so cool.

I now sit way way over on the other side of the abyss. And I face a walk way. One that people use to walk by me every 2 minutes. I never get any work done in my little cubicle now.

See I wear ear buds and listen to music as I work. I don't have to talk to anyone. Which can be good or bad, depending on the day. But yet I see people...not like dead people like in that movie, but people. I can't hear them, but they walk by.

So as I am typing, listening to a talk show or music, someone walks by. And I instantly look up.

It's actually annoying. Very annoying. I can't stop looking up. And then I lose my place in what I was typing at that moment. And because I was supposed to be a blond, it takes me a few seconds to figure out what I am doing and where I am! Again, highly annoying. Or maybe that last part is a sign of old age and not my intellect. Hmm...interesting.

But where was I going with this? O ya, so I got my new desk. I desk share with someone, he uses the desk during the day and I do at night. I know who he is and actually went through training with him. And then he asked to be transferred to day shift. But I swear I didn't scare him off, ok maybe I did (looks around innocently). But anyways I thought of leaving him harassing notes. Maybe saran wrap the keyboard. You know funny stuff. he he.

I unpacked all my things, put up my pictures on the cork board (before he could...because dang it I want the cork board!). And settled in.

I have a picture of my niece, my brother serving overseas, one of me and a giraffe, my husband and I on our wedding day, one of my best friend in high school and I, and then one of my cat Cleo.

And then I have my license up (not my driver's license, my license to "practice" pharmacy lol). And then some random other nonsense that really doesn't matter. Because we all know this pointless post on this blog really mattered!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Thankful Thursday

It's Thursday and there are so many things I am thankful for. But today I want to just talk about one thing in particular I am thankful for.

I am thankful that I am able to afford to partake in a bible study. Just a little of a year ago there was no way I could afford such items. I wanted to join a bible study so badly but couldn't afford the study guides associated with them.

However this time around I can. Instead of using the money to buy things I just don't need, ie. fast food. I am putting the money into my future. Along with the bible study books I am also getting 2 books to help me follow a Levitical diet. Please visit my friend Hallee's website. Here she talks a bit in depth about it in a way that makes sense.

I am going to research this diet and most likely start following it shortly after receiving the books I ordered in the mail. Most wonder why I all of a sudden want to do this. Well for one, certain foods are beginning to tear my stomach up. I can not eat diary lately without feeling like my stomach is going to rip out of my abdomen and I am in constant pain with certain foods. Overall I feel horrible. And from what I had read, this seems like an answer. So I will be researching it. I also look at it as a new way to honor God's wishes, he clearly states in the Bible what it was he wanted for his children.

So I am extremely thankful that the circumstances right now allow me to buy these valuable books that will help me. I look at it as an extremely valuable and important part of my future.

I hope to share soon about each book.

Off to finish Michael J. Fox's memoir as quick as I can!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

To give us all a smile, this week's wordless Wednesday comes courtesy of a friend. One who sent this to my work email in hopes of making me smile. It make me smile and brought a tear to my eye...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I have something to look forward to!

Starting May 1st I will be participating in a bible study!!! YAY! I am so excited.

I "met" this fellow blogger back on a baby website a few years ago. Back when Chris and I were trying to conceive I found this website and message board and developed alot of lasting friendships. This one particular member always struck me as someone strong in her convictions and I honestly was inspired. She was part of the puzzle that helped me find my way back to the Lord.

I stopped going to the website after Chris and I couldn't conceive. I was sort of lost and hurt and really didn't want to visit a baby website.

And a few days ago on Face book it was "recommended" I become a fan of a particular person named Hallee the homemaker. Honestly I didn't even know who the person was..but I became a "friend" because I saw a few of my friends were her friend. You know the age old face book nonsense, become a friend because your friend is a friend. blah blah. lol

A day later I really investigated because I was annoyed that I couldn't figure out who this person was, although the name sounded familiar. I searched her profile and found her website, Hallee the Homemaker. And wham I knew who it was. It was the woman that I admired so much!

I sent her a email and have become a reader of her site. She is a good Christian woman, who is faithful to her Lord, husband, children and home. I admire her so much. She is honestly one of the most Godly women I have ever met. I recommend reading her site and following her. It's worth the time and commitment. I am following her advice, looking into the diet that her family follows and the life they lead.

She doesn't know how much it's inspiring me, and the God brought her into my life (in the strangest way, via the internet) so that I can follow his steps, his words, his life. But I hope that maybe by me putting her info here, she can help another become yet another child and follower of Christ.

So if you all are able to, trot on over to her site. If you can also become involved in the bible study. It's going to be good!

Here is the bible study, The Power of a Praying Wife. And there is a great deal on the book and workbook on Barnes and Noble.

So please join us. It will be so much fun!

God Bless and Hugs,

Monday, March 22, 2010

Just another day...

I am depressed.

Ok I put it out there. Things should get better right? Acknowledging it is half the battle right?

I have let my life fall apart piece by piece. I have given up alot of things that I have loved. Stopped doing things that made me happy.

I am not exactly sure why, but I have.

All because I am depressed and down. And not wanting to deal with things.

I sleep all day, go to work, come home, and hide behind this screen. I don't do anything. I don't cook, clean, nothing. I just barely exist.

Today tho I took a step. I cleaned my kitchen, did all the dishes. Dishes that had been sitting there for far longer than they should have. And now I have White Chicken Chili in the crockpot.

Tomorrow I will work on my bedroom. Then the next day my living room. One step at a time is what I am doing.

So if you happen to read this...which I am sure no one really does...leave me a comment...tell me your tricks to clean things, keep things clean, how you have a schedule...whatever it is that gets you up and motivated. I could use the inspiration.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sleep, where for out tho sleep?

I just want to sleep...

I can't seem to get back onto a good sleep cycle. I have no idea how in the world it became so wonky, but it did. And now I am up for hours on end, wishing, praying, pretending to sleep. It's quite exhausting...but not exhausting enough to ACTUALLY SLEEP!

So I am here, online, searching. I am researching a Leviticus diet. I am quite intrigued by it and am contemplating beginning it. It looks like something my body, mind, heart and soul needs. A true declaration to God. And then the health benefits are just HUGE.

I have a suggestion for a book to read, and I am also researching online. I would like to go see if the library at church has the book or books I need. I really am interested in finding all I can about this "diet" or way of living.

From what I gather, it is a way of life. It's a new beginning. Exactly what I need.

But back to the topic at hand....I am so sleepy, but just can't sleep! I took a vicodin and soma, hoping it will relax my neck and as a added benefit maybe knock me out. No such luck. And apparently it doesn't mess with my brain that much because I can still form complete sentences. And I don't sound like a raving lunatic right now. Unlike most days :) to count sheep...or kittens...or puppy dogs...or whatever it is they tell you to count. Great, I can't even get that right. No wonder I can't sleep.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Here I am

In my last blog post I posted that Ladybird had died. So much has happened since then.

1. I started that new job, and am liking it.
2. I have made some new friends at said job, and even recruited some old friends to come work with me. And I am loving it.
3. I found what I want to be when I "grow up". I decided to jump ahead and throw myself into studies to become a Physician's Assistant. I feel like I can truly help people this way. And I can also do a secret dream I have had for a long time. I would love to go on a missionary to another country and help.
4. I have found my love for reading again. I am knee deep in "The Time Traveler's Wife". And I have about 4 others to read next.
5. I have felt so lost, spiritually. I stumbled across a blog written by someone who led me to fit the pieces of the puzzle together and ultimately won my heart to Christ. Be aware, that this blog will from now on be ultimately about my path, my life, everything...but Christ will be the center of it and I will be discussing it.
6. Chris has become increasingly quiet and withdrawn. Which sometimes can be ok, but for someone with BiPolar, it isn't. I am trying very hard to get back the Chris I knew, and fell in love with.
7. My brother is on his 4th deployment, so many prayers are said for him everyday.

I think that's about it. I know there is so much more, but I just wanted to give you a update.

And yes I still think of Ladybird every single day. She was and is my baby. And I miss her. But God is helping heal my heart.

Missing Ladybird,