Sunday, April 25, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3
During a friendly discussion with some friends some interesting questions were asked. See I have a friend who is not Christian, he is a non believer. He does graciously accept my prayers when I say I am praying for him. He does so mainly out of respect for our friendship, I believe. So when the question was raised to me, "do you ever fear you will not see your loved ones in this Heaven or Lord's house when you arrive" was asked, I started to think.
Of course I am troubled by the fact that my loved ones may not be waiting in the Lord's house for me when I die, or I will be waiting for those that will never come. It hurts my heart to think that I may never see those that I hold dear to me. It hurts that I will know where they are, certainly not with me and the Lord.
But I guess what hurts me even more is that they will never have been saved. They will never know the Good News of our Lord. That their hearts will never rejoice like mine has. That they will never know that Jesus Christ died for their sins, that he gave his life for us.
And how is it that I fix this? Because let's be honest, as humans we want to fix whatever the problem is...make it better, make it right.
So I have been brainstorming. How can I impact others for Christ?
It's a question that my Pastor brought to the Church almost a year ago. He challenged us to be Bold. To go out and impact the world for Christ. I will be honest, I am horrible at trying to impact others for Christ. Horrible at it. Plain horrible.
It's one of my worst qualities. And its a quality I absolutely hate about myself. So I have to set myself with small goals. Small goals to push myself to show others this wonderful and glorious life I have found.
It starts with just being honest with myself. Getting down to the nitty gritty of what I truly believe in my heart. To tell myself that what I believe may not be popular, but it is right. To act according to those beliefs is crucial. Because you can believe all you want to believe, but if your actions do not back up what you believe, then where is the justification in what you believe? How can others look at you and say now there is someone who stands firm in what they believe if you go against every single thing you "preach"? You have to hold true to those beliefs and show them in your actions.
The next step for myself is to openly share with my friends. Its a small group, but to share it with them gets me more open to sharing with a much larger group of people. To just be able to share my testimony is a huge thing for me. It is extremely emotional for me to share. So I started off with sharing with one friend. So far so good, she has started attending church with me. She and I talk about the Bible, religion, God, and just about everything else. She has become one of my closest friends.
What the next step is? Well I am not certain just yet. I pray about it, but not in the sense that you see me down on my hands and knees bowing my head. I have discussions with God everyday in my head. I ask him to lead me to the right path. So far he has told me or guided me down those two areas of my path. Who knows tomorrow he may lead me completely in a different direction. But I leave it up to him.
But the long in the short is, I am terrified that my loved ones will never see the goodness and wonderfulness of God. They will never see what I see. And when I meet God, they will not be there. It terrifies me. So I pray and hope that they each see the changes in me and wonder what it is that I have that they don't have. That they see his holiness in my actions. That they find what I have.
So that one day we do see each other in Heaven.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I have been thinking alot lately of what truly makes a friend. What is the definition? Well we could go look it up, but what does it really mean?
I think we all have different definitions although some of those definitions might duplicate and repeat themselves.
I have had to take a long look at some of the friendships I have made. Reason? Well someone once said you surround yourself with the people you want other's to know you as. Well that makes sense. If you want to be known as a thief, you tend to hang out with other thieves. If you want to be known as a God fearing Christian, you surround yourself with other Christians. It makes perfect sense.
So I wondered exactly who are my friends. Who are they?
I tend to like all kinds of people. I do not have a mold that everyone must fit in. I know that is impossible. It just can't happen. I open my heart and soul to everyone. I have had it smashed a few times, and other times the love has been reciprocated. For the most part I have developed some lasting friendships that mean more to me than anything else.
But there are those rare bad seeds. The ones that I let in and just can't tear myself away from. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and always give them second, third, fourth....chances. And they always let me down. Now I am not someone with high standards. Anyone who has met me can attest. I am a simple person who isn't extravagant by any means. All I ask for is respect and for my feelings to be thought of sometimes. Easy right?
Ya not so much.
So because of a recent incident I have sat back and really thought of who my friends are and who I want people to know me as. Do I want to be known as someone who is loving? Or someone who has no regard for others feelings and runs the streets?
I think we all know the answer to those questions. I am consciously deciding on who I want in my life and who I do not want in my life. I care too much about others and it's extremely hard for me to step back and not get involved. It tears my heart in two. But I have to do it. I have to.
Posted by Angel at 1:04 PM
Monday, April 19, 2010
Today is Monday...yet another week.
I have so much to do, yet do not want to do it. LOL. Yet another symptom of my depression.
I am trying to get this depression under wraps before I start school in the fall. I don not want a single thing to hinder my success. I will not allow myself to fail. I will not allow myself to slip. I will not allow myself to come up with another excuse.
This is my last chance to change my future, to write it the way I want and the way God wants. I am following where he is leading me. He has given me the tools, now I just have to make it happen.
Posted by Angel at 12:22 AM
Thursday, April 15, 2010
And I already feel like this week couldn't be over fast enough.
I am so exhausted.
I have a dear friend who is terribly sick. She was told she might have cervical cancer. She also found a lump on her breast. She is only 23. Too young to be dealing with this, too wonderful to have to go through this. And yet here she is doing it with such grace and dignity that I am in awe.
But today she was at her wits end. I saw her break a little.
She texted my phone this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital. She was in such extreme pain. I went just as soon as Chris was comfortable (he was in the throws of a panic attack).
There she lay, hooked up to a machine, just in tears. My heart broke for her. She doesn't deserve to be going through this. She has a son and a bright future. Yet she is dealing with all of this.
I had to leave her for just a bit, take Chris to the doctor, drop off his prescriptions, get him something to eat, then back at the hospital. She was discharged shortly thereafter, with no real definition of what was wrong. My poor friend has medication, lots of prayers and the hope that she won't be in such pain that she can't sleep comfortably at home tonight.
I realize that most will never meet her, will never speak to her, but if you could take a moment to pray that my friend Juliet makes it through this, I would so appreciate it.
Hugs and love!
Monday, April 12, 2010
I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:19-34
This happens to be my most favorite bible verse to date. I say to date because I haven't read the bible in its entirety. This verse speaks so much to me, and touches my heart in so many ways.
I read this scripture when I was at my lowest low. I had just lost our home (I say I because Chris just isn't physically or mentally able to grasp this all). I had to find a new place to live, move our things, and all the while Chris was in a psychiatric facility, so I was visiting him regularly. Mind you I also had to go to my Grandmother and borrow money to afford to obtain our townhouse. I did all this without actually falling completely apart.
I had gone to a friend about my losing my house. How I was desperately trying to keep it together. How I had no idea how I would be able to do all of this on my own. A few days later she called me and asked me if she could help along with a couple of guys and a truck. I, of course, jumped at the thought of doing this. I needed help so badly. I felt like I was going to break at any moment.
The day of the move I didn't even have a thing packed. I had to work during the week and was running from work to the psychiatric ward then back to work. I barely could even clean my house. Everything was a disaster and I prayed that she and her friends could look past it all and I wouldn't be embarassed.
She called me from a few streets down and said they were almost there. Then there was a knock on my door. There she stood. She said "come meet the guys". I walked down my walkway and around the garage to see 17 people standing there. Her entire church group was there to move me. Never had I ever felt such love in my life.
They packed my whole entire house. The entire time they kept saying, "don't touch a thing, just tell us how you want it packed." And then they loaded it all up and moved it to my new place. Once there, I wasn't allowed to move a thing. I was just told "don't touch a thing, just tell us where to put it."
It took 2 hours, but my whole house was moved. And I never lifted a box, ever.
Their generousity completely caught me off guard. I was taken aback. I remember asking my friend about her church. I ended up going to church that night.....and was moved to tears.
So many people opened their hearts to me, opened up a day of their time to help me. And they didn't even know me!
A month later came Christmas. This same group bought Chris and I gifts. They gave us over $600 in gift cards, gifts, chocolate, decorations and most importantly a new bible.
I cracked that bible open that night and started reading Matthew. Within a week I read the scripture above. I cried and cried and knew right then I had found the place I needed to be. And I haven't looked back.
This verse calmed my fears. It gave me hope. It reminded me that there is hope. That things will be ok.
And friends....this is my testimony (the jist of it...I could make a whole new post just on my feelings at that particular time of my life). This is how I became a Christian, a follower of Christ, and a believer.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I am not a perfectionist by any means. I am not the cleanest person either.
As I get older I tend to get more and more annoyed with the uncleanliness of my home, the clutter of mess I have. Things I do not use, yet don't know what to do with them...really makes me horribly mad.
It's a anger I project completely on myself. I know it is.
When did I get like this?
It has to have been within the past few years. Because I can't remember a time where this mattered all that much.
I have been told I was a very organized child. Things had to be put away in the right places, my school folders were organized to my optimum capabilities. That I do agree with, because I have issues with my folders and binders for school, even now.
But when did I become like this and how?
I don't think it was an inherited thing from my parents. My Mom and Dad aren't the biggest clean freaks ever. They both "live" in their houses. I am sure they would love for whatever little mess they have to be more orderly, but they do not let it dictate their lives.
I, on the other hand, have anxiety attacks and get physically angry if my house isn't orderly.
And depression isn't helping this at all. I am depressed most of the time and have no desire to clean, yet I get mad when it isn't. Such a vicious cycle.
I am trying to make it somewhat easier on myself, taking on small challenges.
Yesterday was organizing a pile of papers on my desk. I organized them, and feel great. Tonight was picking up the clothes mess I made while trying to find something the other day. And tonight I feel better. Tomorrow will be the small pile on my rocking chair.
Slowly I will make it downstairs, only to have to restart all over :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
No really I am, seriously.
I am not sure anymore if anyone ever reads this blog. I am half tempted to stop. But I find it a bit therapeutic, so I will continue for awhile...
I am in fact writing a book. It's based a bit on my marriage with some other stuff thrown in so that it makes for a more interesting book. It's a long ways off, but I am plugging away at it.
Here is the jist of it.
This woman is married to a man. He was once successful, had a career...now their marriage is in turmoil. He has spent their savings, they live in ruins. She is a successful advertising woman, works hard. She decides she is going to leave him and start anew.
Then tragedy occurs. He overdoses and gets into a car accident. Now she is left to pick up the pieces yet again.
Thats what I have so far...for an idea.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
This honestly should be a post I put up on Sunday's. But you know life got in the way and what not. So here it is Tuesday, and I figured I should tell you what I learned.
1. You should get to church early on a holiday, otherwise your stuck up way in the rafters on the right, not really being able to see.
2. You know when you know something bother's your stomach, you probably shouldn't eat it. No matter how much you love it.
3. Being an adult is hard work, but it has to be done. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.
4. Nothing should stand in your way of true happiness. Conquer whatever stands in your way, be fearless.
5. Sometimes those who you love will let you down, and not intentionally.
6. It's ok to cry.
7. Pets are like children, bring a new one into the house and the others get jealous.
8. You may not like your spouse 100% of the time, but you love them 100% of the time.
9. You know who your true friends are when your at your lowest.
10. Life isn't simple, its hard work. But it's worth it.
Now I don't believe in going into a little room, and spewing my confessions to a man. Be it that man is a priest, doesn't faze me at all. I just do not believe in that at all. I believe only in going straight to our Lord, Jesus Christ and asking for forgiveness. I just do not believe that a mere man who is still here on earth can have a direct connection to Jesus on my behalf. I think that connection should be between Jesus and I only.
That said, occasionally I voice my confessions to friends and family. Mainly in hopes that my "confession" will help someone else.
So here goes...
I am horribly ashamed that my bible has dust on it. Horribly ashamed. Now most people would say that it is just dust.
But that dust means so much more. It means I have not picked my bible up in a very long time. And for that I a m ashamed.
The Bible is the ultimate true written word from my Lord. He had it written down so that I could read it and absorb it, go back to it and see his word. And I haven't picked it up in so long.
I need to get my butt going, get it out of this ditch. And go back to where I belong. Right where Jesus wanted me, right where it belongs.