Sunday, February 3, 2008

To Whom it may concern,

I have realized that I have changed somewhat since I was younger. I'm not exactly sure who, if anyone, from my past would see much less read this. But I should start from say 18 (right after highschool). Here is my life story, make sure to take notes in case I ever get famous and you decide to jot down a book or two about me.

So I graduated at 18. I had the highest expectations of doing things, seeing things, basically living a wonderful life. I had decided somewhere in the middle of my senior year of high school that I would take a year off after school to just live. I basically did not want to go to college with the same people I hid from in high school. So working and more working was in the cards for me. I forgoed my SAT's and lived by the seat of my pants the last half of my senior year. This I will later come to regret and wish I had done what I had set to do over half of my life.

I was also having a very rough time with my Father. We had had a huge fight at the beginning of my senior year. After graduation we tried and tried to come to an agreement to just disagree and move on. It was a really rough time. I didn't want to back down, neither did he. I was confused and quite honestly scared to death that my Father did not love me for me.

I was in a relationship with someone (hence forth named shithead). Why the relationship lasted more than one week I will never know or understand. Still to this day I wonder what exactly I ever saw in him. I must have had blinders on. Shithead was just that, a shithead. To this day I don't know where he is, what he is doing, how he is, etc. It's much much better this way.

The day he decided to break up with me was not a good day. The day ended up foiling his plans and instead he broke up with me the next day. I am glad in a sense he was caring enough to wait 24 hours. I was given the news that my friend since 4th grade was killed. I don't believe I could have processed any more pain. My life was forever changed that day. I think thats the day where a part of myself died with Renea. Innocence was lost and abandoned. And that was ok. I needed to grow up a bit. Every so often Renea comes to my mind, reminding me of true friendship and love. It's moments like that where I thank God she was in my life.

So I continued working, striving to complete this year of turmoil since I graduated. I barelled through work and continued trying to build a relationship with my Father.

During this time I met Chris. I liked him enough in the sense to be his friend, but hated the idea of a relationship. I'm not quite sure if it was just him or the fact that I wanted to be left alone. But the day he asked me out on a date was the day I felt sorry for him. And when the date night came up I secretly wished for some catastrophe so I wouldn't have to go out with him. But apparently nothing happened.

It was a weird start to a relationship. But after that first date everything happened very quickly. One day we were at a movie the next it seemed like we were living together. I swear I blinked my eyes and boom here we are almost 10 years later.

Shortly after we started dating I had some issues with my health. I had been gaining weight but just attributed it to being a little depressed after losing Renea. But then more and more symptoms of different things started happening. I was told I had cysts on my ovaries. I went through two surgeries in two years before I said enough was enough and began ignoring the situation. I did not want to be poked or proded. I was done with that.

So Chris and I lived an ok life. We moved into a couple of apartments in the course of 4 or 5 years. We got a dog, got a fish, and then moved into a house. Chris was working alot of hours. Life seemed grand. Along came a couple cats and all was well.

Day to day things would happen, but it was never more than Chris and I could handle. One day my brother announced he was marrying his girlfriend. Thus began the big debate as to when Chris and I would get married. I was told 7 years was long enough to make the poor man wait. But I was hesitant.

See I had fears. Fears that went back to the days of my own parents marriage. I did not want to end up like them, divorced and bitter at each other with children caught up in the mess. I wanted to take my time, and do it when I wanted to. But I was poked and proded so much that month that I hastily chose a date. I couldn't even sign the contract booking the ceremony. I was that unsure about it all.

I honestly felt like I was in a bubble. And no one could hear me. Now do not get me wrong. I love Chris dearly, with every fiber of my being, but marriage scared the hell out of me. I was a commitment phobe down to the tips of my toes.

Over the next month or two I proceeded according to plans. I made lists and decisions. And I grew into the idea of being married. One day I woke up and I wasn't scared at all. I can tell you the day too. It was the day my brother was married. I woke up and began my day. I raced around doing things for the two of them. I wasn't scared for their marriage, nor mine really. Honestly it could have been I was so wrapped up in making their day special that I forgot about my own needs.

But as I stood in that wedding party, hearing them recite vows, and professing their love for each other, my own wedding didn't seem scary or unattainable. I was at peace with it.

So on January 21st, 2006, I walked down the isle in a white dress on the arm of my father and gave my heart, my trust, my friendship and my life to an amazing spirit. Chris has had his ups and downs. He never had a great childhood or even life, but at that moment he was happy and in a pure place. He was content and I was happy that he was happy.

We began married life just as any other day in our lives really. No honeymoon for us, but that was ok. Chris and I are simple and want for nothing really. Just a roof over our heads, a bed to lie our heads on, food in our bellies, and animals to love.

Shortly after we got married we decided it was time for children. We had been together 7 years and hadn't experienced a family of our own. We tried and tried but couldn't get pregnant. I went through 8 rounds of Clomid before I said enough. My body was tired. It wasn't working even with the help of medicine and I was at my wits end. I decided to see a specialist. I only got to see this man once. Now that I look back on it I am glad I only saw him once. I wasn't able to get my hopes up. I didn't have enough time to process the idea of him even helping me get pregnant.

Then last summer Chris lost his job. His self esteem plummeted to the floor and I was left to pick up shattered pieces of him everyday. How I made it through that time I will never know, understand or even want to understand. I did what was necessary and would again. That's just me. Deal with it and move on.

I also stopped any and all things to help with getting pregnant. I never went back to the specialist. I continued on with my life. It took a long while, but I have finally come to terms with the simple fact that children actually might not be in the cards for us. And I am somewhat ok with it, it just depends on the day you catch me on. But I still do long to be pregnant just once, to hold my own flesh and blood just once, to know unconditional love, to know that someone's life is in my hands, to just have one child. Thats all I ever pray for it seems like. But its just not in the cards right now if ever. And I am ok at the moment with it.

But this past week he started a new job. Thankfully. Praise God. He is back to his old self. And I feel so blessed. God provided and I knew he would.

So here I am tonight. Sitting in front of this computer, typing out what's gone on in my life, sitting here with my new puppy curled up on a pillow beside me. The house is quiet except for my typing and the hum of the heater. All is right in the world at the moment, all is calm, all is good.

And for that I am thankful. Praise God.

One of these days I will blog about the amazing people in my life. This one has gone on forever and I am just about ready to zonk out literally at this desk.

Hugs and much love,


hangel said...

That was amazingly written and spoken straight from your heart. You are such a strong woman--with such love for everyone. I am so glad that things are finally settling back down for you. (Hugs)