Wednesday, April 16, 2008

It's been awhile...

Well I had a blog done last night, but I have no idea what happened to it. It was somewhat uplifting and lighthearted maybe...I can't even remember now.

So I thought I would just blast some thoughts out here and see what happens. Maybe some therapeutic release or something.

Sometimes in life you are not handed the right hand. That hand is no good and you have to bluff your way thru the game. It's hard, but you do it. All the while remembering it's not the hand your dealt but how you play the card's that matters.

Thing's in my life are in somewhat of turmoil, I guess you could say for lack of a better word. Thing's are not how I invisioned them or dreamed about. But it is the hand I was dealt and I am struggling to play the card's correctly. It's a hard game, but I am trying.

My marriage isn't what I thought it was or even dreamed of it being. C has lied to me about so many things that I now often wonder if he even knows how to tell the truth. It's very sad when you can not trust your own husband. Very sad. I struggle everyday and desperately want to trust what he says and does. But I have come to the conclusion that I simply can not and there is nothing that I personally can do about it. I have expressed numerous times to him that my trust, respect, and appreciation for him are things that need to be earned back. I simply do not have those things in my vocabulary when I speak of him or even think of him.

He knows where I stand on the issues that have gone on. It's up to him to decide on how he wants to recify this situation. If he chooses to ignore it or chooses to not want to help this situation, then I can not be part of that. I need stability and a happy life. I will not settle for less. No way, no how. I have for too long and don't want it any longer.

As long as he continues to try and make things better for not only us but for him, then I will stand beside him. I understand people falter and stumble. But I refuse to stand next to someone who trips, falls and refuses to get up.

Remember its how the cards are played thats important.