A little cleaning up.

I am not a perfectionist by any means. I am not the cleanest person either.

As I get older I tend to get more and more annoyed with the uncleanliness of my home, the clutter of mess I have. Things I do not use, yet don't know what to do with them...really makes me horribly mad.

It's a anger I project completely on myself. I know it is.

When did I get like this?

It has to have been within the past few years. Because I can't remember a time where this mattered all that much.

I have been told I was a very organized child. Things had to be put away in the right places, my school folders were organized to my optimum capabilities. That I do agree with, because I have issues with my folders and binders for school, even now.

But when did I become like this and how?

I don't think it was an inherited thing from my parents. My Mom and Dad aren't the biggest clean freaks ever. They both "live" in their houses. I am sure they would love for whatever little mess they have to be more orderly, but they do not let it dictate their lives.

I, on the other hand, have anxiety attacks and get physically angry if my house isn't orderly.

And depression isn't helping this at all. I am depressed most of the time and have no desire to clean, yet I get mad when it isn't. Such a vicious cycle.

I am trying to make it somewhat easier on myself, taking on small challenges.

Yesterday was organizing a pile of papers on my desk. I organized them, and feel great. Tonight was picking up the clothes mess I made while trying to find something the other day. And tonight I feel better. Tomorrow will be the small pile on my rocking chair.

Slowly I will make it downstairs, only to have to restart all over :)