Monday, May 10, 2010

4 am

It's 4am here where I live.  I can not sleep.  I lay awake.  The TV is off.  The only sound I hear is that of my husband's occasional snore.  I rub my eyes and wish I could sleep.

I can not though.

I should have taken a sleeping pill.  That is usually the way I can fall asleep now.  But I simply forgot.  And now I regret it.  Mostly because I am not sleeping.  Also because I will have a hard time waking up when its time to get up to go to work.  But the main reason is so that I can dream.

Dreaming is the only escape I have.  The escape I long for every day.  It is where I see those I miss.  Those I love.  Those I wish I had one more moment with.  Those that I could say so much more to.  More than what I had said.

I would tell them I love them.  I would tell them they meant something.  I would tell them that the sun rose and the moon set with them in my eyes.  They were my everything.  They were so much more than what they thought they had been.

But they are gone and I am here.  And those words can never be spoken to them.  Those words will never fall on their ears or on their hearts.  Those words lie in my heart.  They lie with me forever. 

But in my dreams I can tell them.  Tell them everything I wanted to say.  Everything that mattered to me.  I can tell them the things I long to say now.

It's like a cruel joke.  I can only be with them in my dreams, in my sleep.  But yet when I close my eyes I can't make myself drift off.  I yawn but no sleep follows.  I rub my eyes but no sleep follows.  I wish for the thing that seems so natural.  But it doesn't come.

It doesn't come until I take that pill.  Should I?  Should I run towards the happiness?  Or should I refuse?  Should I rely on that pill?  Should I rely on it's magic?  Or should I refuse and take control?

It's 4am.  And I just want to sleep.....just want to dream....


Anonymous said...

I kinda understand what you're goin through. I'm suffering from depression...and some other things I'm not happy about. It's a battle every day.

stopping by from Lady Bloggers Social Tea Party

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