Saturday, May 22, 2010

My Depression (Part 2)

Things that I should get done have become much more than even a chore. It almost pains me to get up and get my day started. I have to put on a happy face and face the world. All the while I just would rather go back to bed.

I am much more comfortable here in bed, online, talking to people behind the comforts of a computer screen. It is safer. And it sure doesn't require a smile.

I was doing pretty well at hiding the pain, hiding the feeling of hopelessness. But then just last week a friend said this to me in a email;

"You looks so sad lately"

That is all it said. Nothing more. And I cried. I cried because the jig was up. I was had. I hadn't hid it very well, had I? How was he able to see it? And so I asked him. He said he just knew. He knew me well enough to know when I was happy and when I wasn't.

In most cases I would just laugh this off via email, make it sound like he was losing his own mind. But for some reason I just couldn't lie to this friend. He is a very good friend who has listened to me and provided some good recommendations at times. He is a big reason why I am going back to school. He told me I was smart enough to do anything I wanted to do and more. So lying to him seemed quite silly. I sighed and told him he was right, that I wasn't all put together and was a mess. And that I was back on my medications. All 3 of them to be precise. He "listened" via email, and emailed me back words of encouragement and told me that if I ever needed to talk, he was there to listen. He really is a very good friend. The kind that gives you a laugh when you need it, growls with you when your angry and scolds you when you need a good scolding.

So this past week I have reflected since that email. Wondering what part of me was shown to him. It had to be a part that wanted and needed help. Someone seeing my unhappiness had to be God's way of saying "hey you, come on pick yourself up and we will get you through this."

I have thought about what I want to do. Do I want to lay here in self pity? Do I want to be happy? I want nothing more than to be happy. To feel some joy again. Because right now I feel at the bottom. I don't even really remember what happy feels like. And that is sad to me. Just plain sad.

stay tuned for part 3

5 comments:

Derek said...

Keep your head up, I understand where you are coming from. Each of your words opens old wounds in my heart that time seemed to have healed. I have been in your shoes, and I am still only growing out of them. Yet it seems once you're out of that slump you find yourself surrounded in your misery shortly after, doesn't it? Keep fighting, keep loving, keep breathing; with love, Derek.

Derek said...

Keep your head up, I understand where you are coming from. Each of your words opens old wounds in my heart that time seemed to have healed. I have been in your shoes, and I am still only growing out of them. Yet it seems once you're out of that slump you find yourself surrounded in your misery shortly after, doesn't it? Keep fighting, keep loving, keep breathing; with love, Derek.

Deeno said...

I'm always sorry to hear somene is in such pain, because I remember all to well what it feels like. only recently have I regained the courage to desire to live again.that unexpainable pain that holds you down... I don't really know what I want to say, except that I came through it. I still have to fight, but god showed me something, a preciousness in life, that keeps me going through the hard times. you will get there, you will make it. be patient, and don't regret how you feel. you have so much you can give the world. my thoughts are always with you.

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