My Depression (part 1)

Brace yourself, this may be a ramble.

Don't say I didn't warn you.  I won't take credit or blame for your face hitting your keyboard from falling asleep.

Ok so I have so many things going on.  Yet nothing is getting accomplished.  Some of you may know about me personally, some of you may not.  I suffer from depression.  I have a tendency to look like I have things together, look like I have the answers, but in reality I do not.  I am a mess.

I guess I probably get this from my Father.  For years I thought he had it all together.  Thought he planned things, organized things, thought everything was done to the T.  Ya not so much.  I learned in the last few years that he is a huge procrastinator.  I knew he suffered from depression, that he was bipolar and was a recovering alcoholic.  But I didn't know to the degree that he didn't get stuff done.  I learned that if it wasn't for his wife pushing him in the right ways to get things done, then they just might never have.

I never noticed it all.  I mean, sure the garage looked like a bomb went off in it, no matter how many times he "cleaned" it.  Sure his closet was a disaster area...but I just thought we had a lot of junk growing up.  We did, but it could have been organized in a much cleaner way.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my Father dearly, much more than he may ever know, but I was oblivious to it all.  That was until it was explained to me and when I saw those same tendencies in myself.

God says that a good wife keeps up the home, takes care of herself, is a amazing cook, etc.  I have failed tremendously in all those areas.  It is quite sad to be honest.

My house is a wreck, serious wreck.  I rarely get enough "good" sleep, so I try to catch up....well I am now coming to terms with it actually being my depression.  It is making my life a hell.  Just today my brother-in-law came over and helped Chris clean the back patio.  It was filthy.  I felt so bad about it that I hid in my room. I hid in my own house.  How sad is that?

I take care of Chris solely on my own.  He is like having a 5 year-old most days.  And I never get a break.  Even when I am at work I have to wonder if he is breaking something, burning up the place, locking himself out of the house, falling, and a plethora of other things.  When I am home I am constantly on edge waiting for him to do something.  I have tried going behind him and cleaning as the mess occurs but after awhile I just got tired of it all.  I got tired, sick and tired.  And now I just lay in bed.  And I call down to make sure he is ok.  He will answer me yes or no, and if its a no....then I will go help.

I haven't cooked in months...if even maybe a year.  Its microwave meals or fast food.  And even in some cases just not even bothering to eat at all.  I haven't lost a single pound from not eating, funny as that is.  But Chris has.  A mixture of his not wanting to eat and my not wanting to cook has left him looking like skin and bones.

I have about a million things I am "supposed" to do.....and not one of them ever gets done.

stay tuned for part 2

Now what to do?

I have hit somewhat of a road block.  One would call it that, but I call it a huge problem.

I had decided to go ahead and pick up my writing.  I am writing a story (which I hope to make into a book someday) based loosely on Chris and I's marriage.  Chris has given me the go ahead to do this project.  He has given me his blessing and has also stated he hopes that it impacts someone.

Now the road block comes into play.  I don't want it to be word for word my life.  I want these character's to have their own personalities, own issues, quirks, etc.  It can be difficult loosely basing something on my life, which trying to keep it fiction.

I have logged into the site I keep my work (no worries, it is safe and so password locked, it isn't funny), yet I simply can not come up with the words I want to use.

I have also been writing down my other ideas.  I have so many ideas for so many other books.

I want these to be real, to feel like real people, but I want Christian issues, Christian values, Christian ideas to be the core.  That is my life and I will not go back on it.

So I am asking you all to pray for me, pray I have some guidance in the right way to go with this story.  It is very important to me, as well as it is a wonderful way to get my frustrations out in a constructive way.

4 am

It's 4am here where I live.  I can not sleep.  I lay awake.  The TV is off.  The only sound I hear is that of my husband's occasional snore.  I rub my eyes and wish I could sleep.

I can not though.

I should have taken a sleeping pill.  That is usually the way I can fall asleep now.  But I simply forgot.  And now I regret it.  Mostly because I am not sleeping.  Also because I will have a hard time waking up when its time to get up to go to work.  But the main reason is so that I can dream.

Dreaming is the only escape I have.  The escape I long for every day.  It is where I see those I miss.  Those I love.  Those I wish I had one more moment with.  Those that I could say so much more to.  More than what I had said.

I would tell them I love them.  I would tell them they meant something.  I would tell them that the sun rose and the moon set with them in my eyes.  They were my everything.  They were so much more than what they thought they had been.

But they are gone and I am here.  And those words can never be spoken to them.  Those words will never fall on their ears or on their hearts.  Those words lie in my heart.  They lie with me forever. 

But in my dreams I can tell them.  Tell them everything I wanted to say.  Everything that mattered to me.  I can tell them the things I long to say now.

It's like a cruel joke.  I can only be with them in my dreams, in my sleep.  But yet when I close my eyes I can't make myself drift off.  I yawn but no sleep follows.  I rub my eyes but no sleep follows.  I wish for the thing that seems so natural.  But it doesn't come.

It doesn't come until I take that pill.  Should I?  Should I run towards the happiness?  Or should I refuse?  Should I rely on that pill?  Should I rely on it's magic?  Or should I refuse and take control?

It's 4am.  And I just want to sleep.....just want to dream....

It's been a week...

A week that was quite difficult I might add.  But I am here.

I am stuck in a rut right now.  Not knowing what to do, smile or cry?  I had four people yesterday ask me if I was ok.  Apparently I looked like I could cry.  But I wasn't going to, so I am not sure what look I had on my face.

I started back up on my cocktail of antidepressants. I call it a cocktail, because I don't drink anymore and it's kinda funny to say my cocktail.  As if I would drink. lol.

I am back on Wellbutrin in the moring, Celexa at dinner, and Elavil at night.

I have alot of anger issues.  They stem from a variety of things.  Not many people see the really truly angry person that I am.  I hide it very well.  I bottle it up inside of myself.  And then there is my depressed state.  Where I am just utterly depressed.  I don't want to get out of bed, yet I can't sleep.  It's a yo yo that I hate.  But I am not bipolar.  I don't have "manic" phases.  I do not experience any highs.

So in the past Wellbutrin worked extremely well in keeping my anger in check.  My anger depression as I call it.  And the Celexa worked great to keep my depression in check.  By accident I found out the combo of the two helped me alot.  So a month or so ago the doctor and I decided to try the combo again.  I tried the Wellbutrin by itself, but it just didn't work.  So we reintroduced the Celexa.

And to help me sleep we decided on Elavil.  That one has a two fold advantage for me.  I get to sleep and it helps with the neuropathy and pain in my legs.  So great right?

Well not so fast.

I find it absolutely hilarious that given what I do for a living, Pharmacy, I simply can not remember to take my medications.  It's quite comical.  So really I have been forgetting these medications.  So I haven't been consistantly taking them to reach a level to see if they truly work.

So after having a conversation with my friend, Juliet, she suggested maybe a pill holder.  I said I tried those and they didn't work so well.  But I was willing to try again.  I also mentioned that I had had a friend who sometimes would remind me too.  She would ask me, "have you taken your meds today?"  I never took offense to it, it honestly was nice to hear someone ask me.  Like they were trying to take care of me.

So yesterday Juliet asked me if I had taken my medications.  Yep!  I have this pill holder thing.  I has individual little containers for each day.  Each day is in its own little shelf.  I pull out the day of the week and can slip the holder in my pocket if I have to.  It has been making my life alot easier.

It is still really early to see if these are all helping.  But I am hopeful.  I had a bit of setback this weekend, where I didn't get out of bed until Sunday afternoon when my Mom called me.  But I know that I might have day's like that.  And that is ok.  I just have to take each day when it comes. 

Afterall, tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Sticky Sunday

Will I See Them In Heaven?

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3

During a friendly discussion with some friends some interesting questions were asked. See I have a friend who is not Christian, he is a non believer. He does graciously accept my prayers when I say I am praying for him. He does so mainly out of respect for our friendship, I believe. So when the question was raised to me, "do you ever fear you will not see your loved ones in this Heaven or Lord's house when you arrive" was asked, I started to think.

Of course I am troubled by the fact that my loved ones may not be waiting in the Lord's house for me when I die, or I will be waiting for those that will never come. It hurts my heart to think that I may never see those that I hold dear to me. It hurts that I will know where they are, certainly not with me and the Lord.

But I guess what hurts me even more is that they will never have been saved. They will never know the Good News of our Lord. That their hearts will never rejoice like mine has. That they will never know that Jesus Christ died for their sins, that he gave his life for us.

And how is it that I fix this? Because let's be honest, as humans we want to fix whatever the problem is...make it better, make it right.

So I have been brainstorming. How can I impact others for Christ?

It's a question that my Pastor brought to the Church almost a year ago. He challenged us to be Bold. To go out and impact the world for Christ. I will be honest, I am horrible at trying to impact others for Christ. Horrible at it. Plain horrible.

It's one of my worst qualities. And its a quality I absolutely hate about myself. So I have to set myself with small goals. Small goals to push myself to show others this wonderful and glorious life I have found.

It starts with just being honest with myself. Getting down to the nitty gritty of what I truly believe in my heart. To tell myself that what I believe may not be popular, but it is right. To act according to those beliefs is crucial. Because you can believe all you want to believe, but if your actions do not back up what you believe, then where is the justification in what you believe? How can others look at you and say now there is someone who stands firm in what they believe if you go against every single thing you "preach"? You have to hold true to those beliefs and show them in your actions.

The next step for myself is to openly share with my friends. Its a small group, but to share it with them gets me more open to sharing with a much larger group of people. To just be able to share my testimony is a huge thing for me. It is extremely emotional for me to share. So I started off with sharing with one friend. So far so good, she has started attending church with me. She and I talk about the Bible, religion, God, and just about everything else. She has become one of my closest friends.

What the next step is? Well I am not certain just yet. I pray about it, but not in the sense that you see me down on my hands and knees bowing my head. I have discussions with God everyday in my head. I ask him to lead me to the right path. So far he has told me or guided me down those two areas of my path. Who knows tomorrow he may lead me completely in a different direction. But I leave it up to him.

But the long in the short is, I am terrified that my loved ones will never see the goodness and wonderfulness of God. They will never see what I see. And when I meet God, they will not be there. It terrifies me. So I pray and hope that they each see the changes in me and wonder what it is that I have that they don't have. That they see his holiness in my actions. That they find what I have.

So that one day we do see each other in Heaven.

Friends?

I have been thinking alot lately of what truly makes a friend.  What is the definition?  Well we could go look it up, but what does it really mean?

I think we all have different definitions although some of those definitions might duplicate and repeat themselves.

I have had to take a long look at some of the friendships I have made.  Reason?  Well someone once said you surround yourself with the people you want other's to know you as.  Well that makes sense.  If you want to be known as a thief, you tend to hang out with other thieves.  If you want to be known as a God fearing Christian, you surround yourself with other Christians.  It makes perfect sense.

So I wondered exactly who are my friends.  Who are they?

I tend to like all kinds of people.  I do not have a mold that everyone must fit in.  I know that is impossible.  It just can't happen.  I open my heart and soul to everyone.  I have had it smashed a few times, and other times the love has been reciprocated.  For the most part I have developed some lasting friendships that mean more to me than anything else.

But there are those rare bad seeds.  The ones that I let in and just can't tear myself away from.  I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and always give them second, third, fourth....chances.  And they always let me down.  Now I am not someone with high standards.  Anyone who has met me can attest.  I am a simple person who isn't extravagant by any means.  All I ask for is respect and for my feelings to be thought of sometimes.  Easy right?

Ya not so much.

So because of a recent incident I have sat back and really thought of who my friends are and who I want people to know me as.  Do I want to be known as someone who is loving?  Or someone who has no regard for others feelings and runs the streets?

I think we all know the answer to those questions.   I am consciously deciding on who I want in my life and who I do not want in my life.  I care too much about others and it's extremely hard for me to step back and not get involved.  It tears my heart in two.  But I have to do it.  I have to.