Monday Madness

Today is Monday...yet another week.

I have so much to do, yet do not want to do it. LOL.  Yet another symptom of my depression.

I am trying to get this depression under wraps before I start school in the fall.  I don not want a single thing to hinder my success.  I will not allow myself to fail.  I will not allow myself to slip.  I will not allow myself to come up with another excuse.

This is my last chance to change my future, to write it the way I want and the way God wants.  I am following where he is leading me.  He has given me the tools, now I just have to make it happen.

It's Thursday...

And I already feel like this week couldn't be over fast enough.

I am so exhausted. 

I have a dear friend who is terribly sick.  She was told she might have cervical cancer.  She also found a lump on her breast.  She is only 23.  Too young to be dealing with this, too wonderful to have to go through this.  And yet here she is doing it with such grace and dignity that I am in awe.

But today she was at her wits end.  I saw her break a little.

She texted my phone this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital.  She was in such extreme pain.  I went just as soon as Chris was comfortable (he was in the throws of a panic attack).

There she lay, hooked up to a machine, just in tears.  My heart broke for her.  She doesn't deserve to be going through this.  She has a son and a bright future.  Yet she is dealing with all of this.

I had to leave her for just a bit, take Chris to the doctor, drop off his prescriptions, get him something to eat, then back at the hospital.  She was discharged shortly thereafter, with no real definition of what was wrong.  My poor friend has medication, lots of prayers and the hope that she won't be in such pain that she can't sleep comfortably at home tonight.

I realize that most will never meet her, will never speak to her, but if you could take a moment to pray that my friend Juliet makes it through this, I would so appreciate it.
Thank you.
Hugs and love!
Angel

Monday Merriment

I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:19-34


This happens to be my most favorite bible verse to date. I say to date because I haven't read the bible in its entirety. This verse speaks so much to me, and touches my heart in so many ways.

I read this scripture when I was at my lowest low. I had just lost our home (I say I because Chris just isn't physically or mentally able to grasp this all). I had to find a new place to live, move our things, and all the while Chris was in a psychiatric facility, so I was visiting him regularly. Mind you I also had to go to my Grandmother and borrow money to afford to obtain our townhouse. I did all this without actually falling completely apart.

I had gone to a friend about my losing my house. How I was desperately trying to keep it together. How I had no idea how I would be able to do all of this on my own. A few days later she called me and asked me if she could help along with a couple of guys and a truck. I, of course, jumped at the thought of doing this. I needed help so badly. I felt like I was going to break at any moment.

The day of the move I didn't even have a thing packed. I had to work during the week and was running from work to the psychiatric ward then back to work. I barely could even clean my house. Everything was a disaster and I prayed that she and her friends could look past it all and I wouldn't be embarassed.


She called me from a few streets down and said they were almost there. Then there was a knock on my door. There she stood. She said "come meet the guys". I walked down my walkway and around the garage to see 17 people standing there. Her entire church group was there to move me. Never had I ever felt such love in my life.


They packed my whole entire house. The entire time they kept saying, "don't touch a thing, just tell us how you want it packed." And then they loaded it all up and moved it to my new place. Once there, I wasn't allowed to move a thing. I was just told "don't touch a thing, just tell us where to put it."

It took 2 hours, but my whole house was moved. And I never lifted a box, ever.

Their generousity completely caught me off guard. I was taken aback. I remember asking my friend about her church. I ended up going to church that night.....and was moved to tears.


So many people opened their hearts to me, opened up a day of their time to help me. And they didn't even know me!


A month later came Christmas. This same group bought Chris and I gifts. They gave us over $600 in gift cards, gifts, chocolate, decorations and most importantly a new bible.


I cracked that bible open that night and started reading Matthew. Within a week I read the scripture above. I cried and cried and knew right then I had found the place I needed to be. And I haven't looked back.


This verse calmed my fears. It gave me hope. It reminded me that there is hope. That things will be ok.


And friends....this is my testimony (the jist of it...I could make a whole new post just on my feelings at that particular time of my life). This is how I became a Christian, a follower of Christ, and a believer.

A little cleaning up.

I am not a perfectionist by any means. I am not the cleanest person either.

As I get older I tend to get more and more annoyed with the uncleanliness of my home, the clutter of mess I have. Things I do not use, yet don't know what to do with them...really makes me horribly mad.

It's a anger I project completely on myself. I know it is.

When did I get like this?

It has to have been within the past few years. Because I can't remember a time where this mattered all that much.

I have been told I was a very organized child. Things had to be put away in the right places, my school folders were organized to my optimum capabilities. That I do agree with, because I have issues with my folders and binders for school, even now.

But when did I become like this and how?

I don't think it was an inherited thing from my parents. My Mom and Dad aren't the biggest clean freaks ever. They both "live" in their houses. I am sure they would love for whatever little mess they have to be more orderly, but they do not let it dictate their lives.

I, on the other hand, have anxiety attacks and get physically angry if my house isn't orderly.

And depression isn't helping this at all. I am depressed most of the time and have no desire to clean, yet I get mad when it isn't. Such a vicious cycle.

I am trying to make it somewhat easier on myself, taking on small challenges.

Yesterday was organizing a pile of papers on my desk. I organized them, and feel great. Tonight was picking up the clothes mess I made while trying to find something the other day. And tonight I feel better. Tomorrow will be the small pile on my rocking chair.

Slowly I will make it downstairs, only to have to restart all over :)

I am writing a book

No really I am, seriously.

I am not sure anymore if anyone ever reads this blog.  I am half tempted to stop.  But I find it a bit therapeutic, so I will continue for awhile...

But anyways...

I am in fact writing a book.  It's based a bit on my marriage with some other stuff thrown in so that it makes for a more interesting book.  It's a long ways off,  but I am plugging away at it.

Here is the jist of it.


This woman is married to a man.  He was once successful, had a career...now their marriage is in turmoil.  He has spent their savings, they live in ruins.  She is a successful advertising woman, works hard.  She decides she is going to leave him and start anew.
Then tragedy occurs.  He overdoses and gets into a car accident.  Now she is left to pick up the pieces yet again.

Thats what I have so far...for an idea.

What I learned this week...

This honestly should be a post I put up on Sunday's. But you know life got in the way and what not. So here it is Tuesday, and I figured I should tell you what I learned.

1. You should get to church early on a holiday, otherwise your stuck up way in the rafters on the right, not really being able to see.

2. You know when you know something bother's your stomach, you probably shouldn't eat it. No matter how much you love it.

3. Being an adult is hard work, but it has to be done. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

4. Nothing should stand in your way of true happiness. Conquer whatever stands in your way, be fearless.

5. Sometimes those who you love will let you down, and not intentionally.

6. It's ok to cry.

7. Pets are like children, bring a new one into the house and the others get jealous.

8. You may not like your spouse 100% of the time, but you love them 100% of the time.

9. You know who your true friends are when your at your lowest.

10. Life isn't simple, its hard work. But it's worth it.

A Confession

Now I don't believe in going into a little room, and spewing my confessions to a man. Be it that man is a priest, doesn't faze me at all. I just do not believe in that at all. I believe only in going straight to our Lord, Jesus Christ and asking for forgiveness. I just do not believe that a mere man who is still here on earth can have a direct connection to Jesus on my behalf. I think that connection should be between Jesus and I only.

That said, occasionally I voice my confessions to friends and family. Mainly in hopes that my "confession" will help someone else.

So here goes...

I am horribly ashamed that my bible has dust on it. Horribly ashamed. Now most people would say that it is just dust.

But that dust means so much more. It means I have not picked my bible up in a very long time. And for that I a m ashamed.

The Bible is the ultimate true written word from my Lord. He had it written down so that I could read it and absorb it, go back to it and see his word. And I haven't picked it up in so long.

I need to get my butt going, get it out of this ditch. And go back to where I belong. Right where Jesus wanted me, right where it belongs.